1 Month.

today azaria is one month.

and we are just totally

unbelievably, 

smitten 

with this absolutely adorable

cutie pie

the sweet apple

of our eyes.

and she is mommy's little, 

"chipper-munk."

Azaria Grace.

dear azaria,

you graced us with your presence two weeks before your due date.

mommy was so surprised she mistook her water breaking for an uncontrollable bladder.

we arrived at the hospital at 10 am on Saturday January 12th. the contractions started a few hours later. we watched a lot of Modern Family because laughter helps distract me from the pain, and i do just love me some Phil. oh and Gloria, and let's not forget Cam. anyhoo, the contractions got really bad at around 2 or 3 in the afternoon. the Bronco's playoff game was on then and daddy was enthralled. i was distracted by your desire to make your presence known and sat in a large bathtub trying to breathe through the pain.

the nurses checked. only 3 cm dilated. my body shook uncontrollably between contractions. apparently i don't handle stress well. the more my body shook, the more i could not rest. the midwife asked me if i wanted an epidural. i did. but i was scared, a giant needle in my back being inserted possibly while a contraction begins does not sound fun. however i brave through it. fifteen minutes later i can rest. and boy did it feel good to rest.

apparently, you wanted to rest too baby girl because i continued to dilate so slowly that it wasn't until early sunday morning around 6 am that my midwife said we were about ready to begin.

our first moments together.

around 7:30 we began pushing. it was a process. by the time you crowned i could feel everything. no more medicine could help with the pain. your presence wanted to be felt and you were ready to come greet the world. through much breathing and pushing and panting and tears you arrived around 9:35 am. your head was very coned shaped and the nurse and midwife thought you may have broken your clavicle bone (it was found later not to be true). they set you down on me for a moment before checking you out completely.

january 13, 2013. 7lbs 14 ounces. 20 inches long. a head of hair. my lips. and long fingers and toes.

they cleaned you up and handed you to me. you were a beautiful little person and you were mine. and i was shocked and scared and terribly thirsty. after some nourishment we headed to the post-maternity ward where i held you and fed you and you slept most of the time in my arms.

i couldn't believe you had finally arrived. i couldn't believe we were starting this new journey together.

we named you Azaria Grace. we loved the name because of its meaning, because it was different and because we coined a good nick name from it (and you will find little one, that nick names are essential). your name is Hebrew, it means "helped by God" or "God helps." this whole pregnancy has be a true blessing to me that would not have been possible without the Lord. i wanted your name to reflect that. we decided to dub you Zeze for short.

then a few days later we brought you home and we can't imagine our life without you now. you are, our beautiful little girl.

soon come.

a month from tomorrow is her estimated due date.

as she moves and kicks inside me now i wonder when she is going to decide she's ready to greet the world. 

will she come early? late? right on schedule?

will she look like me? like him? like us? 

with her arrival i know our world is going to be rocked. it suddenly won't be just two of us, and we suddenly will have to think of this other little person.

i used to tell people i never realized how selfish i was until i got married....but with her arrival i know this reality wil triple. life will never be quite the same.

excitedly and terrified we wait, and we also remember. 

we remember the miscarriage i had nearly a year ago. 

we remember the pain and the loss. 

we remember finding out about this new blessing over five months later. 

i remember praying this time around that even in her tiniest state she would know her maker and feel His presence. that she would come into this world singing His song on her lips and knowing His love in her heart. 

like most women nearing the end of their third trimester i live in a state of discomfort....and yet it will all be forgotten when she comes and we hold her and we start this journey as a family.

soon come.