so this is growing up.

PITTSBURGH.

i have always loved my city. even during my teens when most kids hate their hometown and are dying to escape, i found myself content with PGH. perhaps it was in my blood. my great great great grandparents on both sides of my family immigrated to pittsburgh from poland and scotland, over a hundred years ago.

then my great grandparents (on both sides) would eventually settle in lawrenceville, one of pittsburgh's largest neighborhoods. my parents would both grow up in lawrenceville and meet there, fall in love-marry-& have children there, and continue to live there now in the same house my dad grew up in. i loved living in this old, decrepit, lower-middle class neighborhood with its row homes, graffiti, and pure-blooded Yinzer's. i laugh at how it has became a renewedhub of artists and hipsters, when it was once so white trash (and thank goodness it has not lost its roots).

(44th street in l-ville)

although i have not lived in pittsburgh for the past 2 1/2 years, it always remains home in my heart. i know the city like the back of my hand, and have family on all sides of the rivers. i love our culture and our pride. i love our slang and the way pittsburgh has ability to laugh at itself because of it. so what if we talk funny? if we spoke proper english we'd sound like robots anyway. i love the Penguins and the Steelers, and well i love the Pirates...stadium. i love french fries on salads and sandwiches. i love the large senior community, especially my parents neighbors. i love bridges in various designs and colors. i love the old charm mixed with new and up-incoming. i love that all our sports teams are black & gold, definitive and unified.

i just spent a little over a week visiting friends and family in this city i grew up in. i enjoyed every minute of it and i usually do. i feel so blessed to have lived in one place most of my life and to have really known that place. i feel so blessed to have most of my family and quite a considerable amount of friends concentrated in one city. i was born here, grew up here, was educated here, fell in love here, and was truly loved here.

i learned a lot living in indiana for two years, and i absolutely love living in denver now, but well pittsburgh will always be near and dear to my heart.

so pittsburgh this post is for you. thanks for the memories.

"...and all i ask is that you'll be there when i return."

love & peace,

laur

asleep the snow came flying in.

sometimes when i listen to certain music it's as if i have a new sense of purpose.

it's as if the world is opening up and the future seems less daunting.

i can take on anything, go anywhere.

sometimes the music takes me back several years to other places i've been.

sometimes it makes me laugh, cry, dance, smile, dream, and hope.

my father always listens to a lot of instrumental christmas music with versions of all the classics updated with synthesizers, harp and steel drums, changed slightly to give them a different feel, yet beautiful none the less. my favorite are the new takes on traditional hymns. they give me goosebumps every time i hear them. they also stir my soul. i am reminded about why the holiday season is so important.

as this year is coming to a close, i look back at it seeing all that has occurred, and i can't help but think how meaningless it all would be for me if not for my loving Savior who has truly given me a life worth living.

i read an article recently in a magazine about prayer. the person writing it had no real faith in anything, and it made me think how meaningless it must be to pray when you don't know what or who you are praying too. it seemed empty and dark. a one sided dialogue. as Christians, yes, prayer might not always be answered in the way we would individually hope for it, but we always know Christ is listening and knows what is best for each of us. we know that He LOVES us, and to be loved is one of the greatest treasures on earth.

it is such a beautiful thing to BELIEVE, to believe in something that isn't about me, my wants or desires, but to believe in something that is above myself and all of the world. but also to believe in something that teaches us how to truly love the world.

all else is meaningless underneath the sun.

thankful.

God you are so good.

i take you for granted what sometimes feel like almost everyday.

i thank you for family and friends.

i thank you for bringing us to denver, CO and for CCU.

i thank you for our residents and students.

i thank you for our home and our jobs.

i thank you for cranberry and sugar.

i thank you for taking care of me, loving me, blessing me when i fail to honor, love, and serve you with everything. please change my heart daily LORD and let it serve you. PLEASE.

scars are souvenirs you never loose, the past is never far.

wow, i am so nostalgic.

sitting on my couch i just had a flashback to middle school. life was so different then.

not necessarily easier, just different.

i remember my obsession with teen movies from the 80s and my serious crush on john cusack. oh and let's not forget my revisiting of 80s music: Duran Duran, Tears for Fears, Howard Jones, anyone? then there was also the fact that i would waste hours playing "zelda: ocarina of time" on my brothers N64. oh and then there was also that shameful fact that Sailormoon (anime on cartoon network) was my more of my guilty pleasure tv show then say the oh so popular Dawson's Creek.

i also thought i was such a bad ass cause my friends and i swore like a sailors (i sadly still struggle with this believe it or not) and cause we listened to hard core/alternative bands like Korn, Silver Chair, and the Offspring (although i still secretly had soft spots for those soul searching people/bands like Jewel, Alanis, Pearl Jam, and Paula Cole). i remember how i thought i wanted to be an archeologist, mainly because i loved history and was obsessed with indiana jones. oh and i should also mention that i adored science fiction. i would watch the tv show Babylon 5 with my dad, and i was in love with Star Wars.

hahaha. a closet nerd as you can tell.

i remember "going out" for the first and only time (before my college years) with the guy i liked, and breaking up with him after a week cause i got scared of commitment. oh how silly, right? i also remember never having to travel far for holidays, all of my family was in pittsburgh, everyone was so close. i also remember my love for vampire novels (yes and this was WAY before twilight was ever written). oh and when i used to day dream for hours about that handsome prince who would sweep me off my feet someday. then there was also my crushes on numerous Pittsburgh Penguins (including Alexi Morosov *le sigh*). middle school was also the time when i met Jane Austen and entered the world of P&P and Mansfield Park. gosh, then i also learned HTML and web design (thank you PSP7) and created my own website; ha this is a little after i learned what the heck the internet was and after my parents got AOL. speaking of which i remember wasting hours on Instant Messenger. oh and no one but rich people had cell phones and they were still pretty large, and people relied on pagers! ha!

i also remember barely scratching the surface of what i believed in, and only barely understanding Christ's love for me.

hmm. sometimes it's nice to revisit those memories. i know i'm still so young, but its so funny to look at yourself when you were EVEN younger.

"let everything that i said i'd do,

like make the world brand new,

and take the time for you

i just got lost and slept right through the dawn

and the world spins madly on."

all who wander are not lost.

is it really september? can summer really go by so fast? can life really change as quickly as it has?

it still feels like summer here in denver. 90 degree heat with zero humidity. i know i shouldn't wish summer by just yet, but i have always been hopelessly in love with autumn. so as much as i don't want summer to leave (because it means winter is coming), i just can't help it because i love the fall so much. (i even bought a mulled cider candle yesterday).

life has gotten into more of a steady swing of things. work, building relationships, exploring, living.

i feel for the most part very much at peace, and yet at times i feel like i'm living in a dream. this is not the same life i was living only 3 months ago now, was it? where did that place go? who was that girl? hmm, how existential of me.

i feel different and yet still the same kind of insecure...

i want to be so confident in God, and His way, that my own concerns, insecurities, failures won't matter any more. i will only want to love selflessly and give abundantly to those i meet.

wouldn't that be so beautiful? i'd like to live that kind of beautiful.

my heart exults.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; to him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." _Psalm 28:7

RA's have arrived. Debo's staff are really wonderful. There are ten of them two ARDs and eight RAs, 4 guys, 6 girls. Things are in full swing with staff training, so Debo has been super busy and this weekend I haven't seen him much.

In the past this would have bothered me more. For instance when we first moved out to Indiana and RD/RA training started, I hated it. It was all new and unfamiliar, I felt left out (since I was no longer a student or RA anymore), and I felt lonely being in a brand new place with no family or friends around and my husband gone doing stuff. It took me a lot of time to adjust and a lot of time to assert my independence. I also however did not trust God enough. I tried to handle things on my own.

Here in Colorado, being two years older and having gone through everything I have in the past two months, I feel actually quite calm being alone. I suppose I can only assert this to the fact that I will not let myself take my eyes off my Creator. I have held on more tightly, believed more firmly, and trusted more deeply then I have ever before in my life. God is good, so good. The blessings He bestows are endless, and if we ask Him for those blessings (the ones He wants to give, not the ones we want Him to give), and we trust and have faith in Him, believe me friends He will not let us down.

I feel so confident because I trust Him. Yes, I still miss my family and friends that is only natural. However, I don't feel afraid to be alone, or to be left out. I don't worry about making new friends, or getting to know our students. I know that I will be okay on my own because I have my God. I know I will not concern over being left out because I have my God. I know that we will make new friends and pour into our students because I have my God. It is completely freeing to not stress over those little things that often make a new place hard to adjust too.

I just wanted to express this all on here because I want to publicly praise God for answering our prayers. I want to praise God for His challenges in my life and how He has brought me from out of the pit. I want to praise God by letting all know how He will never leave us alone and that He makes this life worth living.

Two months ago, Debo and I lost our home, job, and community. From the ashes he brought us a new home, new jobs, and a new community, but He also brought us something more. He brought us the realization that without Him all those things don't really matter and that with Him all things are possible.


He is good. My heart truly exults.

"a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights our wrongs."

wow.

we have now been living in colorado for 3 weeks.

as time has passed i have found myself loving this state even more. from the weather to the sites, to all the choices. debo and i have so much fun exploring both the mountain parks/trails and the city. we're are not used to having so many choices. tomorrow we are thinking of either the zoo or the aquarium.

i have officially found a job. it is a huge blessing! i am a nanny again with a family near by who are really wonderful. the hours are amazing, and they are extremely generous which is another blessing in itself.

i have decided that i may go back to school within the next year or so to get certified in Early Childhood Development because i have found that i really love working with little kids. it's funny because that was not the case while i was in college...however, life works like that quite a bit. we make big plans and then they all get shot to hell because well, God has something much different in store.

...and from my life experiences so far i know all too well that God always knows best.

so i'm taking a deep breath and diving in.

transition, a mission.

i took a test a while back from the book Strengths Finder 2.0. It has you take a 3o minute test online, giving you 30 seconds to answer where you fall on different scales. each side of the scale has very little to do with one another, but you have to choose which side most describes you. then the test proceeds to name your top five strengths. interestingly enough it does not tell you your weaknesses, mostly because it does not want people to use them as an excuse for why they cannot do something well.

when you find out your strengths it gives you a detailed analysis of what each one is and how they can be used. Debo had to take this test when he got his job at IWU, and after he took it he really wanted me to take it because it really gives you a lot of insight into yourself (kind of like personality tests and others can).

upon taking the test i wasn't surprised by what my strengths were, except for one. the one that happened to be my number 2 strength: ADAPTABILITY. i practically fell over when i read it. i laughed, "really? i mean really? this can't be true." it is my husband that is the adaptable one, he can adjust to any place, any person, any where. it's amazing (and one of his strengths).

me however, i feel the exact opposite. i'm the homebody, the non-adventurer. i like the idea of seeing the world, but i want to take someone i know along and i only want to visit. i could very easily live in pittsburgh my whole life, a block from my family, and be perfectly content. when i do leave home, my comfort zone, i freak out, i cry, i think about my family constantly, i become increasingly nostalgic (which makes matters worse), i get nervous, afraid, and i just long for some normalcy/familiarity. how do i know this? i know this from going off to college (1 hr away), from getting married and moving to indiana (6 hrs away), and now moving out to colorado (20+hrs away).

i sure don't feel very ADAPTABLE. i feel like i am a homesick, little girl. i guess eventually i adjust, but for it to be my actual strength? i just don't know.

Debo told me that even if something is supposed to be our strength from the test it may or may not be developed within us yet. like a resource still not tapped.

i feel so homesick. i miss pittsburgh. i miss family. i also miss indiana and our friends and students there. i guess i had adapted to life there, it had become another "home." i suppose with time colorado will too...but now, now it does not feel like home. it feels cold and distant and i just want to be at one of my home's.

perhaps all these changes will bring out my adaptability strength...but truthfully i wish it was already developed, because i hate transitioning. it's exhausting and scary and for me one of my greatest challenges.

*sigh* if you could. please pray for me in my transition.

"debo, we're not in kansas anymore."

we arrived in denver on friday. the weather in colorado is much dryer than the humidity filled regions i've lived in before, so it made for good move in weather. no stickiness, cool breeze, and in the shade it felt perfect.

we also had the entire admission staff of CCU, minus 1, help us move in. this was also wonderful because they were a bunch of strong guys! with them and a help of a few others all our boxes and furniture were dropped off into our apt in record time.

it's now sunday, and well our apt is really coming together. it looks like a home. however, just as it took time to feel like home at IWU, i know it will also take some time for it to feel like home here.

the place is actually a lot bigger than our former apt, it's also nicer. huge closets, nice size living room, more counter space in the kitchen, 2 medium sized bedrooms, a balcony that gives us a view of the rocky mountains. it's gorgeous really, and it is already painted with creams, avocado greens, deep brown, and midnight blues, which i'm totally digging. i'll post pictures soon, i promise.

we now live in lakewood, colorado, which is a suburb of denver and it is HUGE. it has everything. you name it, this place has it. restaurants, stores, a wholefoods market, upscale fashion mall, anything and everything. and if that isn't enough for you, well, denver is only 20 minutes away, you can actually see downtown on some of the roads. denver is huge in itself, and from sports, to zoo/aquarium, museums, amusement park, and the worlds largest water park right in the city...there's no end to what you can do.

also, if urban life isn't your thing, the mountains are 20 minutes in the other direction. we visited the Red Rocks Park the first day we arrived. it is gorgeous. these gigantic red rocks towering from the dirt of the mountains. it was a foreign sight to an Appalachian girl like me. Red Rocks is the place that has the outdoor amphitheater built right into the rocks (people like Dave Matthews have live concerts recorded there). there are trails for hiking, biking, and in the winter nearby skiing/snowboarding resorts. having lived in small town marion, IN for the past two years i forgot what is was like to live in a BIG place. i've also never lived in the suburbs before (i don't know if i'd want too forever, but that may just be my inner city pride talking) but in a lot of ways they are like cities in themselves.

however, despite all these things and despite fixing up our place, organizing, buying new things, and exploring the area, everything really is but a temporary distraction. these things don't bring peace or fill my heart with true joy. this is the hard part of starting over somewhere new for me. the thought of making new friends, finding a new church, meeting new students, finding a new job, and being far away from my other friends and family is hard to swallow. it's a lot of work and a lot of transition. it honestly is scary as hell. therefore, it's so easy to distract myself with the things of the world to compensate somehow for what i feel like i no longer have here anymore, security & familiarity.

i wish sometimes that my parents were out here or even some of my closest girlfriends. they would act as a comfort zone to me. a safe place. someone on top of my husband to do things with while i learn, transition, make new friends and get acclimated to this new place...

i know though deep down though that the only REAL comfort zone i have is in Christ. He is my stability, my foundation, and He always takes care of me, but in times like these i just get so scared. i quickly forget His past provisions in my life. perhaps it is just in my sinful nature to return back to thinking i will fail and be alone. i will fail and live in fear, self-loathing, and pain. my sinful nature leads me to DOUBT & DESPAIR, a very lethal combination because it lacks HOPE.

in times like these i have two options. i can dwell in fear or i can rise to the challenge and go right to the source of what i need. so this morning i found myself with tear stained cheeks on my couch praying with hands raised to my Savior. praying for peace and for a heart focused on what really matters. i know what it feels like to lose my home now. i also know how easy it can be to make gods out of our things, jobs, and loved ones. i know that God is the only thing that won't ever be shaken in my life.

so yes, jonathan and i are blessed. when we lost our home and job, He surrounded us with loved ones to support us, and then through it all provided jonathan with this job (doing something he loves) out in colorado. however, the real blessing in it all is not the job, or the people, or the home we have now. it's GOD, it's His love for us, it's the care He gives us, the hope He gives us, the truth He feeds our very souls.

i know with time, this place will feel like home. i'll find a job, make new friends, join a church, get to know and mentor our students, and even have opportunities to visit family/friends (or have them visit us). But the reality is Jesus has got to be my security, my comfort zone, and the home for my heart. so even in this time of fear, uncertainty, and transition i know that i actually have everything i need. it's not money, a home, friends, or even family, it's my Lord God, my Father, my Savior. i am very blessed, indeed.

moving out to denver.

you know, i've always been a homebody. i love my family and extended family terribly. we have a gazillion traditions and we typically enjoy each others company. my mom is one of my best friends, and my aunt beth is like a second mom. my cousins clare, jena, sarah and i have been close since we were kids (all three of who which were part of my bridal party).

i also love pittsburgh. i love the city to pieces. i loved growing up in the inner city here, and living in lawrenceville. i practically bleed black and gold. i know it like the back of my hand. i love the culture, the "-ism's", the area, even as ghetto/trashy as it can be sometimes, it's a comfort to me, it's home. in all honesty i hope to live back in pittsburgh permanently one day.

so if you would have told me that i would have lived any place other than pittsburgh when i was in high school, i don't know if i would have believed it. when i got married in june of 08 i knew we were heading to indiana because debo got a job there. however, i looked to it as an adventure, not realizing how hard it would be for me to move 6 hours away, and to no longer live in a city. i grew a lot. i learned to appreciate indiana (even as much as i disliked the midwest). i found i had made a new home, and even though it was not like my pittsburgh one, i still liked it.

that was two years ago, and now debo and i are heading out to denver, colorado. this was not part of "the plan." it actually became a last minute change when debo lost his job at IWU. however, now we are going to be at Colorado Christian University, debo a resident director again, and me hopefully finding a job in denver (a city that is only 15 minutes away). what a blessing that within the month that debo lost one job, God provided a new one doing something he loves to do and something i love being a part of. also, God is bringing us to a place that just seems to be a much better fit, from the culture at CCU to even the smaller student population we are very excited to grown and learn there. [side note: another tough part to all of this is how much we will truly miss our students at IWU, the resident directors, and our other friends in marion, indiana. we love these people so much and we are going to miss them like crazy. they made indiana home and i don't want to forget that.]

it is kinda surreal. i never thought i'd live out west, ever. now i am gearing up for a new adventure and this time i can't even drive 6 hrs to get home to pittsburgh, i have to take a plane. however, i think God has been preparing this heart of mine during the past two years. it's scary, it's exciting, and it's a comfort to know that God is holding my hand just as he has been during this whole process.

God is so good. I can't tell you how blessed we are and just how much He pulled me through this process and taught me.

"The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The LORD is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works." _Psalm 145:8-9

*sigh* denver here we come.

24.

i turn 24 tomorrow. it's no youth mile-stone like 16, 18, 21, or even 25. but i'm another year older. it's funny how fast life passes. i know it won't be long before i'm 30, then 40, then 60. yet this life is but a vapor in the grand scheme of things.

i have no idea what to expect. we have still had no news and the silence is deafening. i've cried, i've laughed, i've hoped, dreamed, wondered, and doubted. i've accepted fate and cringed at it, smiled gracefully at it and stomped my feet at it like a child in tantrum. it's been a roller coaster ride and i'd be lying if i said i haven't felt up and down about things.

however, God has challenged me to find hope in Him. after all, we are called to find joy even in our trials and tribulations, knowing that perservance produces character and character hope.

("Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." _Romans 5:1-5)

too often i hope for the things i want and not necessarily the things i need. luckily God knows the difference. there is a reason why things happened the way they did. i must take hope in that God knows best. he will not leave jonathan and i idle, He will guide us and take care of us. maybe in not the way we want, but always in the way we need.

my hope is that in this 24th year as i live that i will work to bring glory to my Father in ways i have failed to before. my hope is that He will bless me in that. i take hope in Him for He is the only things i can hope for.


"24 oceans. 24 skies. 24 failures. 24 tries.
24 finds me in 24th place. 24 drop outs at the end of the day.
life is not what i thought it was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.
and i'm not who i thought i was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.

24 reasons to admit that i'm wrong
with all my excuses still 24 strong.

see i'm not copping out. not copping out. not copping out.
when you're raising the dead in me."

you are my everything and i will adore you.

it's..
time to unclutter my life.
time to turn off all the noise.
time to remember why i'm here.

it's...
time to believe in true joy.
time to see with unjaded eyes.
time to stop distracting myself.

it's...
time to let go.
time to stop controlling.
time to trust.

it's...
time to love with open arms.
time to give with all my might.
time to let Him shoulder my fears.

it's...
time to be still.
time to know.


"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in all the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." ~ Psalm 46:10-11

we need prayer.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:7-14

our life is changing big time. it's overwhelming and scary, and yes i'm terrified.
(no i am not pregnant).

i don't want to go into detail on here, but please pray for debo and i. even if this if it is just once, and just a minute prayer. please pray for God's direction, provision, peace, and strength for us. pray that our hearts may trust in Him, and His plan for us.

please pray that i can stand firm and not be shaken. we need this so deeply right now.

peace & love,

Laur

hope for the weary.

i'm a very selfish person.

and i have grown quite weary recently:

a. weary of the pain and suffering of those around me: the lost and confused, the drama filled seekers, the close-minded hypocrites, the heartbroken and lonely.

b. weary of myself and my inability to change, my constant succumbing to my own sick cycle carousel ride.

the first i have no control over. the second i do have control over but i'm lazy and don't want to work for it.

i read this today: "It’s essential for us to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him. The more we receive from Him, the more we have to give to others."

“Who among you fears the Lord?

Who obeys the voice of His Servant?

Who walks in darkness

And has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the Lord

And rely upon his God." ~ Isaiah 50:10

i may not have all the answers for my friends or the strength for myself, but there is one who does and i need reminded of it often.

"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." SS 2:10

"He bids me 'Rise up,' and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the pots of worldliness. He is risen, I am risen in Him, why then should I cleave unto the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations, I would rise towards Him...But Lord, how can a stone rise, how can a lump of clay come away from the horrible pit? O raise me, draw me. Thy grace can do it. Send forth Thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away." ~ Charles Spurgeon

I will come away.

long time coming.

i know i haven't posted in a while. i haven't been in much mood to write.

i'm so ready for SPRING. the sun is out today, and the high is supposed to be about 60. i'm ready for long walks and nightly rollerblading. ice cream runs and reading books outside.

can i just say that i also just can't wait for june?! i'm going to be spending 3 weeks in pittsburgh. spending time with family and friends. plus it will be summer.

i contracted a stomach flu this past thursday, and spent the entire weekend indoors on the couch. better yet, debo was gone on a staff retreat. so luckily if my two friends hadn't stopped by to check on me when they did on friday and saturday i would have had no human contact for 3 days.

because it was that kind of weekend yesterday and today i just feel stir crazy. i'm ready for change.

you pray, you learn. you ask, you learn.

i'm currently in a bible study that centers around freedom in Christ. yesterday we discussed the fundamental importance of prayer and the destruction of prayerlessness. there are things in my life that i feel like i have struggled with for years. things that i feel like i have tried to overcome by asking God but that i still continue to struggle with anyway. these are some notes i took during the video i watched and it hit me really hard, but also was such an encouragement and a peace that i can truly be FREE:

- our captor tries to coax us into making peace with our bondage. (ex: apathy, giving up, refusing to acknowledge truth, taking the easy way out).

- our captor likes to remind us of all who have fallen and poses the question, "and you think you will be delivered?" (we give up before we even start, thinking nothing will change).

- over and over scripture portrays prayer as the first act of war when under attack. (i sadly think most of the time its the last thing i do, i usually look for a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to before i ask God).

- God has reserved momentous victories and great rewards for us, but we'll never make it to our milestones if we can't make it through our moments.

Making it Through the Moment: The Role of Prayer

1. Prayer changes passions.

two reasons we don't choose to take the exit (when tempted/struggling):

a.) we don't want to. Psalm 40:8 - "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is written on my heart." (Lord heal my "want to" let my heart want to change.)

b.) we don't feel like we deserve to. Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those are in Christ Jesus."

2. Prayer activates partnership. Jude 24-25 - "To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

if we pray for our hearts to truly change, to truly desire change in Christ, our struggles can be truly swept under our feet by the power of our loving deliverer, Jesus. Amen.

i'm a ghost and i don't think i quite know, where we're gonna go?

little updates.

--- i have some great girl friends here at IWU. it has been such a blessing this year with the new RD staff. our weekly coffee dates, our movie nights, game nights, nights out, driving through snow storm to get chinese food nights, it's been lovely.

--- i recently joined a bible study (it's about time, i know). we're doing a the beth moore series called "breaking free." i have never done a beth moore bible study before, or read anything by her. i'm sure like all popular christian writers/speakers/etc people have mixed opinions of her. however, i'm truly enjoying the study. it's refreshing for me being since i haven't been in one for over two years, and the topics are meeting me in a lot of ways of where i am at. the videos we watch in correlation with the daily reading material are also insightful, funny, and just good. i feel myself letting go of my need for control and slowly but surely letting my trust in God persevere.

--- debo got accepted into Geneva's graduate program for Higher Education. he's doing the institutes program which means he has class two weeks in the summer (8 hour days), and 1 week in the winter, and the in between time he has reading and online work. it takes 3 years to finish this way, but it is very conducive for his life here. especially since he has summers off and a winter break (both times where he would have class). he also can then do his work on his own time. i'm really excited for him!

--- i am such a sucker for valentines day. i use it as an excuse to buy red, pink, and white things and make cute little gift bags for friends and my kiddos, and bake pink things for my boys. i made a bunch of homemade chocolate pretzels for my girl friends. i did both milk and white chocolate and then sprinkled them with red & pink sprinkles. then i packaged them in cute lil baggies. ha! i'm such a nerve. for our hodson staff of boys i made strawberry cupcakes with a whipped cream cheese frosting. i even added red food coloring to the frosting so it would turn pink, and then i sprinkled all the cakes with heart shaped sprinkles! even boys need some pink in their lives.

--- for valentines weekend we are going to be livin it up. it's been a while since we've done any date days alone with each other, since we usually go out with friends or residents most of the time. so debo and i our going to get a couples massage friday night (which i can't wait, cause my lower back has been killing me lately), we are also going to go see a movie and grab lunch on saturday. pretty simple but perfect for us. sunday afternoons debo plays ice hockey, so i am probably going to see the movie "Valentines Day" with my girls here. it should be a nice weekend.

--- our friend allison davis spent the week with us (she got here sunday and left this morning). she works with as an admissions counselor/recruiter for a Lithuania study abroad program with a Christian school there. she spends most of her time in Lithuania but she has tours several times a year at various Christian colleges getting students interested in the program. i love when she comes to stay with us, because although she has long days and she won't get back home till 9 pm we have great conversations over tea. she's such an amazing girl, and an encouragement, i love her. it's so cool to see how God has been working in each of our lives.

--- half marathon training is going great. i have been really disciplined about getting my workouts/runs in everyday. i also feel myself getting stronger, especially my lungs. it's such a great feeling, and i love having a goal to work towards.

--- fresh daises, a pear candle, and cup of green tea our making the apt very cozy on this sunny winter day, and the most beautiful comfort:

"Remember these things, O Jacob for you our my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like cloud; your sins like the morning miss. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." ~ Isaiah 44:21-22

"Beloved, whatever we grip to bring us satisfaction is a lie -- unless it is Christ." ~ Beth Moore

wishing you all a lovely weekend. hope you can make it out of the snow where you are!

peace & love,

look again and consecrate.

matthew 6:30

If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith?

"A simple statement of Jesus is always a puzzle to us if we are not simple. How are we going to be simple with the simplicity of Jesus? By receiving His Spirit, recognizing and relying on Him, obeying Him as He brings the Word of God, and life will become amazingly simple. "Consider," says Jesus, "how much more your Father Who clothes the grass of the field will clothe you, if you keep your relationship right with Him." Every time we have gone back in spiritual communion it has been because we have impertinently known better than Jesus Christ. We have allowed the cares of the world to come in, and have forgotten the "much more" of our Heavenly Father. "Behold the fowls of the air" --their main aim is to obey the principles of life that is in them and God looks after them. Jesus says that if you are rightly related to Him and obey His Spirit that is in you, God will look after your "feathers."

"Consider the lilies of the field"--they grow where they are put. Many of us refuse to grow where we are put, consequently we take root nowhere. Jesus says that if we obey the life God has given us, He will look after all the other things. Has Jesus Christ told us a lie? If we are not experiencing "much more," it is because we are not obeying the life God has given us, we are taken up with confusing considerations. How much time have we taken up worrying God with questions when we should have been absolutely free to concentrate on His work? Consecration means the continual separating of myself to one particular thing. We cannot consecrate once and for all. Am I continually separating myself to consider God every day of my life?"

~ Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest"

learning to serve and to trust with each day. learning to be content and thankful. Holy Spirit help me to renew my heart daily & make it forever aligned with Jesus.

1 thessalonians 5:18

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.

peace & love,

i heart you.

1. cozy coffee mug. 2. heart decorations. 3. simplicity earrings. 4. heart crayons. 5. petite heart hoop earrings. 6. blooming red heart pillow. 7. pink love ring. 8. my little valentine. 9. bouton de rose hairpins. 10. red ruby glass ring. 11. my heart's in PA (card set of 3). 12. lotus flower print necklace.

with valentine's day right around the corner i guess i've got hearts & spring colors on the brain.

peace & love,

rose-colored times.

yesterday started day 1 of my half marathon training!

last year debo and i ran the Hodson Half Marathon with are ARD and one of our RA's. i hadn't ever run any kind of extensive race and it had always been a goal to do one, and i did! it was an amazing experience. it was crazy, and at times hard, but very worth it.

debo and i decided to tackle it again this year, however with better prep (my prep last year was typically 5 miles a day for 6 days a week, stupid i know, but i didn't even think we were doing it until like a few weeks before the race.) the only thing is because i hurt my knee a few weeks ago, and because i did no running (just walking) over the 2 1/2 weeks of the christmas season, my endurance is way low.

my knee felt great, but running even two miles was exhausting. so hopefully this prep will whip me back into shape. the race isn't until april 17th, so i have a little over 2 months to get into a serious routine. i have all my workouts logged out on my computer so that i know my runs each day/and or cross-training/and or rest days. i feel prepared! also, as i pushed my butt out of bed at 7 am this morning to complete day 2 of my training i'm thinking even leaving my warm bed on a cold morning won't hold me back from my goal!

also, i want to thank for all of the encouraging comments on my last post. i'm glad i'm not the only one trying to figure out the future and unsure of it all. it is a blessing to have support from you girls, and it is even more a blessing to know God has got us all in his arms and won't leave us alone. love you girls.

peace & love,

thoughts, frustrations, fears, and love.

so funny thing. i went out to coffee last monday with a group of my girl friends here at IWU. we went to our favorite coffee shop and began discusses res life politics and grad school. although, i loved catching up with the girls; i must say i returned home to be quite scared, frustrated, and perturbed with the idea of grad school. this isn't a new thing. it seems everytime i think about grad school i'm unsure/frustrated/and worried. why you ask? here's my list:

1. grad school is expensive. we're talking at least 15-20 thousand dollars. (at least for the programs i've been looking at).
2. i am already in debt because of my undergrad. so is my husband. add that debt together and well the thought of putting more debt on top of that is crazy.
3. the masters degree i would most likely pursue is not really going to bring in a lot of money. and although making a lot of money isn't really important to me, it's still tough to spend more money on a degree that probably won't "pay for itself" as some peoples grad degrees do.
4. i'm not sure what masters program i want to do. i have ideas or think i do, but then i wonder, "do i want to do this for the rest of my life?" then i think, if i'm not even sure what i want to do, how can i justify spending money on it?
5. i wonder sometimes if i feel more pressured to get a masters because i have a useless undergrad degree. and i feel that i need to get it just to have it, like some kind of security blanket perhaps. and then i think it would also just be to prove myself in this world.

i found myself breaking down in front of Debo and our RA and friend Fussy about all these thoughts, frustrations and fears, and well lets just say they both were truly uplifting and encouraging. they reminded me of God's sovereignty and hand over our lives. i really struggle with trust and control, and well you have to realize that God has got you. if we trust and hand over the reigns that we grip so tightly sometimes He leads you where you never thought you could go. i sometimes worry too much about this world. this place. this very temporary and fast moving place. i am not defined by my career. plus an amazing and/or big money-making job can come as quickly as it can be taken away. we can try to hold tight onto these things but they can all be taken away.

see the truth is i am so scared. i'm afraid i'm not good enough, smart enough, or brave enough. i get caught up in the American way of life. in that i need a regular 9-5, 6 figure job to be somebody. i feel judged and worthless because my job is the very opposite of that. i wear sweat pants and chase, feed, change, craw with, play and handle 7 different children (not all at the same time mind you) 5 days a week, all day. there is nothing professional about my job, and no i don't make a lot of money. however, i LOVE my kids. i LOVE my job. however, when i compare it to my friends in grad school starting down paths of wise career choices for themselves, or my friends who are now young professionals, i feel inadequate. when my grandma asks me, "when am i going to get a "real" job?" i feel inadequate.

this isn't the first time i've posted about these things on my blog. this isn't the first time i have felt these things so strongly. it's just so hard, you know? i feel our society wearing me down, feeding me lies, making me feel small and helpless and inadequate. i feel like i failed because i am not ambitious, and i don't know what grad school to go to or what program to start. i feel like because i didn't obtain a business degree, or a nursing degree, or some other practical sort of degree, i failed. i feel so much pressure and fear for my life's path that it keeps me up at night.

then i step back and look around me. i have seen how friends have watched love ones deteriorate slowly in health before them, and others who have lost people in a blink of an eye. i see how natural disasters strip already impoverished countries of the lives of its people and then remember how even the wealthy countries are not exempt from earths disasters. i read headlines of the rich and famous, who have ideal jobs, and all that money can buy, die--overdosed and alone. death reminds me of how temporary this life is, how much we have no control over so much of our lives, how meaningless so many things that we (our culture) put some kind of value in are. i sometimes ask God, why? then i remember how Jesus came before us as a man, lived a short 33 years on earth, and died a excruciating death in order to save us all. was any of that fair?

i know this post is long, and the tangents seem endless, but it's therapeutic in a way for me to be able to be honest with myself, and frustrated with this world, and most importantly angry with myself because i let all its bull get to me. i put value in things that aren't truly valuable and what i get out of those things is fear.

then i remember. i get a glimpse of hope:
- an encouraging and loving conversation with my husband and one of my other closest guy friends.
- a note the next day from debo saying: "I know you get down and out about your job but God has gifted you in a very special way. The Devil loves to discourage people from their gifts, talents, and joys. Don't let him do it to you. Everyone loves you and appreciates what you do, especially me. love, Debo"
- i get so scared about my life and the path i should take and then i read scripture and hear the love of God pouring out and reminding me the truth: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

through all of it it's God saying to me: "it's OKAY." "i love you and i've got you." and it's beautiful, true, encouraging, faithful, hopeful, gracious, merciful, peaceful, unfailing, wondrous...LOVE.

in the end it's the only thing that matters isn't it?

so do i know about grad school? no. do i know what happens after i finish this time in my life nannying? no. do i have worry about these things? America would say "yes", but God fittingly and serenely says, "NO."

you don't need to worry either. i just wanted you to know.

news of no great importance.

- i need to start studying for the GRE. blah blah blah. i hate standardized testing. HATE it. why do you need to take a test to get into grad school? why can't a college degree be enough? how is this one stupid 4-5 hour test going to prove that i will be an adequate grad student? huh? huh? i just don't get it. yes that is my rant.

- debo and i are now proud macbook owners. it was the last thing we bought before leaving pittsburgh last tuesday. i know it's about time.

- can i just say i love my husband so much? jonathan joseph dibenedetto you are wonderful and i can't wait to pop out half a dozen of your children. ;-D

- i hurt my knee on thursday. embarrassingly it was while i was dancing with my 14 month year old, kiki, at my apt. somehow i planted my leg in some weird fashion and my knee popped out of its socket and then popped back in. it hurt. like hell. poor kiki was probably wondering why her babysitter was lying on the ground grasping her knee and moaning in agony. i am determined to recover however. especially as i plan to run again in the annual hodson half marathon this april. it looks however that my training will have to start out a little slower then planned as i work my knee back into shape via walking.

- our boys are moving back in for a new semester. i forgot how much i miss them when they are not around.

- trusting God is not always easy, but i have this knowledge in my heart that everything is going to be alright, and i know it's Him.

- i think i want to take a bath. usually at 10pm i am getting ready for bed (as nannying all day is quite exhausting and i need my rest). however, i am off tomorrow, a weekday rarity (except as of late, considering i just spent two weeks in PA visiting family over the holidays), but either way i am going to enjoy this just the same.

- i've been way too many hours on this computer today.

so signing off! <3

pretty little thing.

i'm not a big jewelry person. i like the idea of jewelry, but i don't really wear a lot of it. i blame it on my less is more mentality, and my allure to simple pretty little things. so when it comes to wearing jewelry i have my wedding bands on my fingers, and then usually a pair of earrings on, and sometimes on occasion a necklace. last valentine's day debo bought me this beautiful handmade necklace from the noisy plume. i love it. it's simple, elegant and very pretty.

as of late i find myself eyeing some pretty necklaces that i wouldn't mind debo "surprising" me with one for valentines day again: loves embrace & paloma's crown of hearts.

here's to the new year.

so here we are, 2010.

the past few weeks have flown by. here's a recap.

- flew in thursday the 18th by myself for a weekend in pittsburgh and the cene family christmas party (debo was wonderful enough to let me buy a plane ticket, since he had to work).

- my connecting flight out of baltimore let me reunite with my bestfriend (regina aka reggie bean) who i haven't seen in over a year (although we do talk weekly). we got to fly to pittsburgh together and she and my other good friend katie klos spent the night over my house. we watched old movies, laughed a lot, and cuddled. it was wonderful.

- had my family christmas the following friday and had a sleepover with my cousins on saturday. hung out with my mom on sunday, debo came monday, and we left for philly on tuesday.

- spent a week in philly/jersey with debo's family. had a very nice christmas breakfast at his aunt wendy's house and dinner at his aunt shirley's. went to the poconos with debo's dad, and came back to pittsburgh the following tuesday.

- since in pittsburgh, we have spent some wonderful time with family. new years eve debo and i went out to mccormick and schmicks with clare, jena, and chaz. had a fabulous seafood dinner then over to chaz and jena's and just hung out until 3:30 am.

- my mom is currently making us a turkey dinner tonight, clare and tall john are coming over, and we are going to watch the pens game.

we leave tuesday for indiana. i'm looking forward to getting back to our own place as much as i enjoy spending time with family. it's just nice to be in your own place and get back into normal life again. plus i miss our hodson boys, and my kiddos.

so am i ready for 2010? as ready as i'll ever be. i must say there is something charming about the start of a new year. and it's even better when you usher it in with the people you love.

happy new years!