a mantra.

i don't want to be like everyone else.

i don't want to be another someone hopping on the bandwagon.

i don't want to be a carbon copy of the american ideal.

i don't want to be obsessed with the latest and greatest trends.

i don't want to be more interested in things created than my creator. 

i don't want to be a social media whore. 

i don't want to be lost in the future.

i don't want to be blinded by the nostalgia of the past.

i don't want to be the sum of my mistakes.

i don't want to be foolish.

i don't want to be lonely.

i don't want to be the person looking down at her phone instead of the world around her.

i don't want to be pressured to feel the need to always prove my point.
i don't want to be the person who tears others down to make myself feel better.
i don't want to be a snob.

i don't want to be lost. 

i don't want to be afraid.

i don't want to be trying to be someone i am not. 

i don't want to be someone who needs to prove i am better than you.

i don't want to be an absent mother.

i don't want to be a selfish person.

i don't want to be a nagging wife. 

i don't want to live an empty life.

i don't want to take this life for granted. 

i don't want to be you.

i want to be alright with me,

more than just alright with me.

i want to love me. 

who i am and who i was made to be. 

imperfect as i am now. 

i want to love myself here and right now. 

not tomorrow. not in a year.
but now.

oh holy night.

I do not exaggerate when I say that I am a cryer. 
I cry often while watching the news, reading a blog or article, thinking about the past, worrying about the future, talking to friends

I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. 

My tears flow freely more often then I care to admit. 

The one place where I find myself crying often, is while singing in church.

it's not that I get sad while in church (although of course I have been sad at church before), or that it happens with every song we sing, but certain songs stir my heart and relieve my soul and so the tears flow faster than TLC's rendition of "Waterfalls". 

And nothing brings me to tears faster than, "Oh Holy Night."

Oh holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

about the time we reach the line, 

"Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth." 

I just lose it.

Jesus appeared and the soul, our very soul felt its worth. 

our life has meaning. our soul has worth. 
and it starts with the birth of a savior
on a quiet, humble night, in a dirty, stinky stable.

and then we sing, 

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine...

and i bawl my eyes out. 
knowing how thankful i am for the gift of a savior and the gift of truly knowing my worth.


blessings to you where ever you are, and have a very merry christmas!

they catch on fast.