sometimes i wonder why i feel like i've got so much to prove.
why lauren, why?
what does it matter anyway? isn't it meaningless and empty trying to prove yourself in a world where everyone is trying to prove something, whether we mean to or not?
whether we are trying to prove that we are...
STRONG
or WISE
SUCCESSFUL or
BEAUTIFUL
GOOD or
CONFIDENT
GENEROUS or a
SURVIVOR
a PEACE MAKER
or a DREAMER
an INDEPENDENT or an
INNOVATOR a
FIGHTER or a LOVER.
defining our selves. our self-worth. our existence.
no matter how much i want some of these things to be me, i HATE the fact that i WANT them. i don't want to care about how you or anyone else sees me. i just want to be me.
this doesn't mean that our actions and the way we carry ourselves have no meaning or are not important. to live Christ-like is very important....but it's not important to live Christ-like just so that others will think, "Oh what a GREAT person she is." it's important to live Christ-like, because WE WERE GIFTED WITH HIS LOVE AND SACRIFICE FOR US.
regardless of what you think of me, whether or not i am living as Christ would, my heart should be seeking God alone without attempting to show the world who i am. after all, if i was truly seeking Christ, the rest of me would truly reveal him to others, without a hidden agenda.
somehow people are all filled with hidden agendas. we all have a deep desire to be liked, perhaps even really adored. we like thinking we have the answers, and we like when people seek us out for advice or wisdom. we like feeling needed and loved.
however, doing these things selflessly without agenda is difficult, and usually a CHORE. terrible of me to say that right? a CHORE in helping others?
i need to wash my hands. my ego is getting dirty.
oh wait, i already believe God has washed these blood stained hands, so why am i always trying to steal the credit?
hm. me writing this already feels like irony. again she always has something to prove.
