i heart you.

1. cozy coffee mug. 2. heart decorations. 3. simplicity earrings. 4. heart crayons. 5. petite heart hoop earrings. 6. blooming red heart pillow. 7. pink love ring. 8. my little valentine. 9. bouton de rose hairpins. 10. red ruby glass ring. 11. my heart's in PA (card set of 3). 12. lotus flower print necklace.

with valentine's day right around the corner i guess i've got hearts & spring colors on the brain.

peace & love,

rose-colored times.

yesterday started day 1 of my half marathon training!

last year debo and i ran the Hodson Half Marathon with are ARD and one of our RA's. i hadn't ever run any kind of extensive race and it had always been a goal to do one, and i did! it was an amazing experience. it was crazy, and at times hard, but very worth it.

debo and i decided to tackle it again this year, however with better prep (my prep last year was typically 5 miles a day for 6 days a week, stupid i know, but i didn't even think we were doing it until like a few weeks before the race.) the only thing is because i hurt my knee a few weeks ago, and because i did no running (just walking) over the 2 1/2 weeks of the christmas season, my endurance is way low.

my knee felt great, but running even two miles was exhausting. so hopefully this prep will whip me back into shape. the race isn't until april 17th, so i have a little over 2 months to get into a serious routine. i have all my workouts logged out on my computer so that i know my runs each day/and or cross-training/and or rest days. i feel prepared! also, as i pushed my butt out of bed at 7 am this morning to complete day 2 of my training i'm thinking even leaving my warm bed on a cold morning won't hold me back from my goal!

also, i want to thank for all of the encouraging comments on my last post. i'm glad i'm not the only one trying to figure out the future and unsure of it all. it is a blessing to have support from you girls, and it is even more a blessing to know God has got us all in his arms and won't leave us alone. love you girls.

peace & love,

thoughts, frustrations, fears, and love.

so funny thing. i went out to coffee last monday with a group of my girl friends here at IWU. we went to our favorite coffee shop and began discusses res life politics and grad school. although, i loved catching up with the girls; i must say i returned home to be quite scared, frustrated, and perturbed with the idea of grad school. this isn't a new thing. it seems everytime i think about grad school i'm unsure/frustrated/and worried. why you ask? here's my list:

1. grad school is expensive. we're talking at least 15-20 thousand dollars. (at least for the programs i've been looking at).
2. i am already in debt because of my undergrad. so is my husband. add that debt together and well the thought of putting more debt on top of that is crazy.
3. the masters degree i would most likely pursue is not really going to bring in a lot of money. and although making a lot of money isn't really important to me, it's still tough to spend more money on a degree that probably won't "pay for itself" as some peoples grad degrees do.
4. i'm not sure what masters program i want to do. i have ideas or think i do, but then i wonder, "do i want to do this for the rest of my life?" then i think, if i'm not even sure what i want to do, how can i justify spending money on it?
5. i wonder sometimes if i feel more pressured to get a masters because i have a useless undergrad degree. and i feel that i need to get it just to have it, like some kind of security blanket perhaps. and then i think it would also just be to prove myself in this world.

i found myself breaking down in front of Debo and our RA and friend Fussy about all these thoughts, frustrations and fears, and well lets just say they both were truly uplifting and encouraging. they reminded me of God's sovereignty and hand over our lives. i really struggle with trust and control, and well you have to realize that God has got you. if we trust and hand over the reigns that we grip so tightly sometimes He leads you where you never thought you could go. i sometimes worry too much about this world. this place. this very temporary and fast moving place. i am not defined by my career. plus an amazing and/or big money-making job can come as quickly as it can be taken away. we can try to hold tight onto these things but they can all be taken away.

see the truth is i am so scared. i'm afraid i'm not good enough, smart enough, or brave enough. i get caught up in the American way of life. in that i need a regular 9-5, 6 figure job to be somebody. i feel judged and worthless because my job is the very opposite of that. i wear sweat pants and chase, feed, change, craw with, play and handle 7 different children (not all at the same time mind you) 5 days a week, all day. there is nothing professional about my job, and no i don't make a lot of money. however, i LOVE my kids. i LOVE my job. however, when i compare it to my friends in grad school starting down paths of wise career choices for themselves, or my friends who are now young professionals, i feel inadequate. when my grandma asks me, "when am i going to get a "real" job?" i feel inadequate.

this isn't the first time i've posted about these things on my blog. this isn't the first time i have felt these things so strongly. it's just so hard, you know? i feel our society wearing me down, feeding me lies, making me feel small and helpless and inadequate. i feel like i failed because i am not ambitious, and i don't know what grad school to go to or what program to start. i feel like because i didn't obtain a business degree, or a nursing degree, or some other practical sort of degree, i failed. i feel so much pressure and fear for my life's path that it keeps me up at night.

then i step back and look around me. i have seen how friends have watched love ones deteriorate slowly in health before them, and others who have lost people in a blink of an eye. i see how natural disasters strip already impoverished countries of the lives of its people and then remember how even the wealthy countries are not exempt from earths disasters. i read headlines of the rich and famous, who have ideal jobs, and all that money can buy, die--overdosed and alone. death reminds me of how temporary this life is, how much we have no control over so much of our lives, how meaningless so many things that we (our culture) put some kind of value in are. i sometimes ask God, why? then i remember how Jesus came before us as a man, lived a short 33 years on earth, and died a excruciating death in order to save us all. was any of that fair?

i know this post is long, and the tangents seem endless, but it's therapeutic in a way for me to be able to be honest with myself, and frustrated with this world, and most importantly angry with myself because i let all its bull get to me. i put value in things that aren't truly valuable and what i get out of those things is fear.

then i remember. i get a glimpse of hope:
- an encouraging and loving conversation with my husband and one of my other closest guy friends.
- a note the next day from debo saying: "I know you get down and out about your job but God has gifted you in a very special way. The Devil loves to discourage people from their gifts, talents, and joys. Don't let him do it to you. Everyone loves you and appreciates what you do, especially me. love, Debo"
- i get so scared about my life and the path i should take and then i read scripture and hear the love of God pouring out and reminding me the truth: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

through all of it it's God saying to me: "it's OKAY." "i love you and i've got you." and it's beautiful, true, encouraging, faithful, hopeful, gracious, merciful, peaceful, unfailing, wondrous...LOVE.

in the end it's the only thing that matters isn't it?

so do i know about grad school? no. do i know what happens after i finish this time in my life nannying? no. do i have worry about these things? America would say "yes", but God fittingly and serenely says, "NO."

you don't need to worry either. i just wanted you to know.

news of no great importance.

- i need to start studying for the GRE. blah blah blah. i hate standardized testing. HATE it. why do you need to take a test to get into grad school? why can't a college degree be enough? how is this one stupid 4-5 hour test going to prove that i will be an adequate grad student? huh? huh? i just don't get it. yes that is my rant.

- debo and i are now proud macbook owners. it was the last thing we bought before leaving pittsburgh last tuesday. i know it's about time.

- can i just say i love my husband so much? jonathan joseph dibenedetto you are wonderful and i can't wait to pop out half a dozen of your children. ;-D

- i hurt my knee on thursday. embarrassingly it was while i was dancing with my 14 month year old, kiki, at my apt. somehow i planted my leg in some weird fashion and my knee popped out of its socket and then popped back in. it hurt. like hell. poor kiki was probably wondering why her babysitter was lying on the ground grasping her knee and moaning in agony. i am determined to recover however. especially as i plan to run again in the annual hodson half marathon this april. it looks however that my training will have to start out a little slower then planned as i work my knee back into shape via walking.

- our boys are moving back in for a new semester. i forgot how much i miss them when they are not around.

- trusting God is not always easy, but i have this knowledge in my heart that everything is going to be alright, and i know it's Him.

- i think i want to take a bath. usually at 10pm i am getting ready for bed (as nannying all day is quite exhausting and i need my rest). however, i am off tomorrow, a weekday rarity (except as of late, considering i just spent two weeks in PA visiting family over the holidays), but either way i am going to enjoy this just the same.

- i've been way too many hours on this computer today.

so signing off! <3

pretty little thing.

i'm not a big jewelry person. i like the idea of jewelry, but i don't really wear a lot of it. i blame it on my less is more mentality, and my allure to simple pretty little things. so when it comes to wearing jewelry i have my wedding bands on my fingers, and then usually a pair of earrings on, and sometimes on occasion a necklace. last valentine's day debo bought me this beautiful handmade necklace from the noisy plume. i love it. it's simple, elegant and very pretty.

as of late i find myself eyeing some pretty necklaces that i wouldn't mind debo "surprising" me with one for valentines day again: loves embrace & paloma's crown of hearts.

here's to the new year.

so here we are, 2010.

the past few weeks have flown by. here's a recap.

- flew in thursday the 18th by myself for a weekend in pittsburgh and the cene family christmas party (debo was wonderful enough to let me buy a plane ticket, since he had to work).

- my connecting flight out of baltimore let me reunite with my bestfriend (regina aka reggie bean) who i haven't seen in over a year (although we do talk weekly). we got to fly to pittsburgh together and she and my other good friend katie klos spent the night over my house. we watched old movies, laughed a lot, and cuddled. it was wonderful.

- had my family christmas the following friday and had a sleepover with my cousins on saturday. hung out with my mom on sunday, debo came monday, and we left for philly on tuesday.

- spent a week in philly/jersey with debo's family. had a very nice christmas breakfast at his aunt wendy's house and dinner at his aunt shirley's. went to the poconos with debo's dad, and came back to pittsburgh the following tuesday.

- since in pittsburgh, we have spent some wonderful time with family. new years eve debo and i went out to mccormick and schmicks with clare, jena, and chaz. had a fabulous seafood dinner then over to chaz and jena's and just hung out until 3:30 am.

- my mom is currently making us a turkey dinner tonight, clare and tall john are coming over, and we are going to watch the pens game.

we leave tuesday for indiana. i'm looking forward to getting back to our own place as much as i enjoy spending time with family. it's just nice to be in your own place and get back into normal life again. plus i miss our hodson boys, and my kiddos.

so am i ready for 2010? as ready as i'll ever be. i must say there is something charming about the start of a new year. and it's even better when you usher it in with the people you love.

happy new years!