cool kids never have the time.

this year with are students is almost at its close. by tuesday, officially all of our students will be gone for summer. wow, our first year in colorado will be solidified in july.

i have loved the community we have been a part of here at CCU. from our amazingly open co-ed staff, to meeting & mentoring with beautiful women, to taking 15 of our students to jamaica, to working for an amazing family with two precious little boys, to be being almost married 3 years (this june) and turing 25 (this june as well), to finding an amazing church and making great friends there. what an amazing year.

however, in this moment as i look back (and if you usually read my blog you know i am quite a nostalgic lady), i find myself looking forward instead.

have you ever just had one of those moments when you really wanted change? you wanted to be more then what you have been. you want to strive to be greater (and not in a "I'm so great, look at me way" but rather "look at what God is doing in my life and with me. He is so good.").

i want to be giving. i want to be less selfish and more generous. generous of time and energy and money.

i want to be confident. i want to love myself and see myself the way God sees me.

i want to be faithful. i don't want to give up before i begin, i want to know that i can do anything through Him.

i want to know more. i want to be better with names, have more soul-talk coffee dates with students, and hear their stories. i want to lead a small group of young women next school year.

i want to be a blessing. a blessing to my husband, our staff, our family, and our friends. i want God to use me to encourage, support, love, help, honor, give, trust, and be a reflection of him to others.

i want more. more from myself, more from my life. i don't want complacency or apathy to control me. i want to rise above.

i want change.

be running up that road...

sometimes i wonder why i feel like i've got so much to prove.

why lauren, why?

what does it matter anyway? isn't it meaningless and empty trying to prove yourself in a world where everyone is trying to prove something, whether we mean to or not?

whether we are trying to prove that we are...

STRONG

or WISE

SUCCESSFUL or

BEAUTIFUL

GOOD or

CONFIDENT

GENEROUS or a

SURVIVOR

a PEACE MAKER

or a DREAMER

an INDEPENDENT or an

INNOVATOR a

FIGHTER or a LOVER.

defining our selves. our self-worth. our existence.

no matter how much i want some of these things to be me, i HATE the fact that i WANT them. i don't want to care about how you or anyone else sees me. i just want to be me.

this doesn't mean that our actions and the way we carry ourselves have no meaning or are not important. to live Christ-like is very important....but it's not important to live Christ-like just so that others will think, "Oh what a GREAT person she is." it's important to live Christ-like, because WE WERE GIFTED WITH HIS LOVE AND SACRIFICE FOR US.

regardless of what you think of me, whether or not i am living as Christ would, my heart should be seeking God alone without attempting to show the world who i am. after all, if i was truly seeking Christ, the rest of me would truly reveal him to others, without a hidden agenda.

somehow people are all filled with hidden agendas. we all have a deep desire to be liked, perhaps even really adored. we like thinking we have the answers, and we like when people seek us out for advice or wisdom. we like feeling needed and loved.

however, doing these things selflessly without agenda is difficult, and usually a CHORE. terrible of me to say that right? a CHORE in helping others?

i need to wash my hands. my ego is getting dirty.

oh wait, i already believe God has washed these blood stained hands, so why am i always trying to steal the credit?

hm. me writing this already feels like irony. again she always has something to prove.

"remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but backwards and in high heels." ~Faith Whittlesey

perhaps it was because i was born a woman, but i have always had quite a heart for my kind.

mothers, daughters, sisters, wives, family, friends. visionaries, creators, leaders, rehabilitator's, peacekeepers, and survivors. we are made up of so much love, passion, strength, and joy.

and yet we are so undefinable.

our roles are and have always been so much deeper then the restraints society have ever imposed upon us.

we are a beautiful reflection of our creator. so much more then a pretty face.

_________________________________________________________________________

my dear friend suzannah was my youth leader in high school. she led my small group, and she always listened to our hard questions, and never judged us for those questions. she is a beautiful woman, and one of her recent blogposts at her blog so much shouting, so much laughter, is a bit of prose titled, "the daughters of Jerusalem."

Daughters of Jerusalem.

at 22, i let myself be talked into wearing heels at our wedding because

that is what brides [re: women] do, don'tyouknow?

worn once and dirtied from sinking into rain-dampened earth,

in photos i tower over my groom and am reminded

of a time i didn't listen to my instincts

i heed them better at 30

i cannot define Womanhood and suspect prescriptive labels of

running a size-too-small to cover each one appropriately

(aren't we, after all, created to image a creative, infinite God?)

your daughters will prophesy and re-imagine,

blazing trails and remaining faithful to the Spirit poured-out still

and i quit trying to squeeze my twice-swelled body into juniors' jeans,

embracing the woman i've become over the girl who once was

(original post here)

thanks for this, Suz.

and i told you to be patient

why does time move so fast?

especially when you want it to move so slow as to savor ever sight, moment, and taste. capturing it forever in your memory. holding it so closely so as not to lose it.

i had the great blessing to have two weeks off in arow. a week in pittsburgh and aweek in denver.

two very different worlds. both places i call home. each moment was full of either laughter & love, or rest & relaxation. i loved them all.

2010 was a tumultuous year. trying to figure out myself. losing a job and our home. living in pittsburgh with love and support from our family and friends. turning 24. celebrating 2 years of marriage. moving out to denver, colorado. meeting our students, finding a job, connecting with a church. having family and friends visit us. soaking in the splendor of the west.

i smile thinking of 2011. and as much as i don't want to time to move so fast, i also look forward to it passing. funny, huh? i look forward to students returning to campus, going skiing, getting to know our friends better, returning to jamaica, winter giving way to spring, having more friends and family visit, turning 25, celebrating 3 years, going to cape may NJ, being part of my cousin jena's wedding.

.

wishing you an amazing 2011.