told my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

"this is my excavation and today is kumran.
everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed." ~ bon iver "Re: Stacks"

it's strange to have alone time when you have gone without it for so long. debo is on a RD retreat until wednesday, and left early monday morning. i don't have sitting this week until thursday or at least friday, so i've had a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden. it's a strange thing when your used to being busy.

i've been distant from God for a while now. i've been distracted and just not really having any form of dialogue with Him. there's been some prayer, yes...but not a lot of me just talking to God. i opened my bible yesterday for the first time in months. the thing is i've felt the distance. i've felt isolated, scared, selfish, and insecure. these things have poured out from me into every aspect of my life.

it's awful how insecurities bring out this ugly side of you. a side that frustrates those who know you better, or turns away people who know you not at all. it brings down your friends and loved ones, and leaves you making decisions strictly for your own personal gain.

i guess it should never surprise me that just talking to God can calm the fear inside me.
and i'm not talking about just some empty pray of formality...but rather pouring out every fear i have to Him.

we fear being alone. we fear not being connected. we fear we have no control, esp of ourselves. it doesn't matter if we are married or single, rich or poor, surrounded by people or isolated in a cubicle. we long deeply for wholeness.

i don't always live it right. i don't always even want too.

but at the end of the day LORD, please let it always be You.

little bits.

- wow. so we're back from jamaica. it was an amazing 2 week trip.
def. the best trip by far. i won't get into details, because i'm kinda lazy and don't feel like writing them, but yeah it was just wonderful. just great to see friends, and great to experience harmons in a deeper way.

- it's already of whirlwind of transition. however, i feel like this summer has been a constant whirlwind of traveling, living out of suitcase, and going somewhere else. so perhaps i'm getting used to this.

- now we are in pittsburgh for a couple days. my cousin clare was in china most of the summer and we haven't seen each other since christmas, until yesterday night. so today, tomorrow and possibly even thursday will be spent with her. last night she showed me pics of her trip and we caught up, and today we're going to a movie and lunch, and tomorrow we are heading to kennywood with debo and my brother. plus whatever else we feel like doing. i love her so much. i love my cousins so much. hopefully i'll get to see my cousin jena again as well before we head back to indy at the end of this week.

- i can't believe how fast the summer has gone. it's going to be hard to leave pittsburgh i think, and at the same time good to get back into our own place and our own way of life again.

- oh and we got a new car! which we are picking up sometime today! it's a 2009 nissan versa 4-door hatchback. it's blue. it's new. it's crazy since i've never owned a new car before. we're super excited.

- and i think this the worst blog i've ever written. sorry it sounds like a middle schooler wrote this. (nothing against middle schoolers, mind you).

expect better updates soon.

why worry?

so i'm not sure why i let myself get overwhelmed. i really shouldn't at all. everything falls into place. everything.

- we our in the process of buying a new car, and thanks to the government we might actually be able to get a good deal because our current car is super old and has poor gas milage. thank you obama.

- i asked for a pay raise out of necessity, which i hated doing because i don't like things to be about money. i got it and the mom i work for also is super willing to be accomodating with me with a possibility of taking on another kiddo on top of her two.

- i have decided that i want to take on grad school, and i hope to be squared away and ready to start in January 2010 at IWU. i want to do their masters in counseling, my focus being on school counseling. i have thought about this quite a bit especially while i was working on my undergrad degree. my best friend reg and i would talk about various things we would be interested in doing after we graduated, and that one she always saw me doing, and i always kinda saw myself doing as well. however, the biggest hindering factor to me was money. it scares me to go into more debt, when i already have quite a bit. yet, it hit me one day, since to pursue higher education (unless you are or come from a wealthy family) is to deal with and pay off debt. it's just a part of it, and it's not worth getting scared over. if this is what i want to do i need to pursue it. and just realizing that has given me so much peace.

i always want control. i let that sense of wanting control ruin the fact that really i just need to have faith. i need to trust and know that its going to be okay. things don't always happen in the way or order we sometimes like but it doesn't mean that God is going to leave me alone. i find i need reminded of this often. perhaps i'll get it down someday.