oh holy night.

I do not exaggerate when I say that I am a cryer. 
I cry often while watching the news, reading a blog or article, thinking about the past, worrying about the future, talking to friends

I cry when I am happy and I cry when I am sad. 

My tears flow freely more often then I care to admit. 

The one place where I find myself crying often, is while singing in church.

it's not that I get sad while in church (although of course I have been sad at church before), or that it happens with every song we sing, but certain songs stir my heart and relieve my soul and so the tears flow faster than TLC's rendition of "Waterfalls". 

And nothing brings me to tears faster than, "Oh Holy Night."

Oh holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night of the dear Savior's birth!
Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appear'd and the soul felt its worth.

about the time we reach the line, 

"Till He appear'd and the soul felt its worth." 

I just lose it.

Jesus appeared and the soul, our very soul felt its worth. 

our life has meaning. our soul has worth. 
and it starts with the birth of a savior
on a quiet, humble night, in a dirty, stinky stable.

and then we sing, 

A thrill of hope the weary world rejoices
For yonder breaks a new and glorious morn!
Fall on your knees
Oh hear the angel voices
Oh night divine
Oh night when Christ was born
Oh night divine...

and i bawl my eyes out. 
knowing how thankful i am for the gift of a savior and the gift of truly knowing my worth.


blessings to you where ever you are, and have a very merry christmas!

oh my soul.

lately i have been wrestling with a spirit of discontentment.

our apartment feels too small.
my post prego body is well....a work in progress.
our finances are tight and at times restricting.

i mean by nature we always want more.
more money.
more things.
more time.

we browse social media and are infiltrated by the glittering highlights of the lives of people around us. people who seem to be impeccable dressers, or seem to embody a perfect family, or have the coolest houses, or jobs, or vacations, or stuff. it is hard not to compare and contrast and beat ourselves over what we seem to lack.

deep down we know that no one is perfect. i mean no one has the perfect life made up of rainbows and butterflies, devoid of worry or troubles or problems, right?

BUT, those instagram photos sure seem to make a good case for perfection and surely that DIY blog you found via pinterest where some fashionista is a fantastic cook with a gorgeous house and family with the ideal life has to be real, right?

i mean why else do we feel the need to showcase our lives so much? even before social media people have innately strived to keep up appearances in order to prove their worth.

i guess what kills me is that despite my knowing all this broadcasted idealism is bullshit, i still get sucked in and i let myself put stock and value in it.

i mean i put value in these outward things when really i know in my heart and in my soul that value is not what we have, or what we appear to be to others; value is instead what we do and how we live and use the time we have in this world.

i want to be & live, & embody things like kindness, love, thankfulness, contentment, goodness, selflessness, courageousness, zealousness, generosity, patience, hope, joy, meekness, gentleness, strength, wisdom, faithfulness, and have self control. i want to embody the life Jesus spent on this earth, a selfless and loving life.

after all, i don't really want a perfect home. because a gorgeous house will never give me fulfillment. deep down what i really want is a safe place for people come in to talk, or laugh, or cry, share a meal, or sleep, play games, have a beer or glass of wine, or a root beer float....

the point is i want our home to be a place of hospitality, despite its tiny size, or the baby things scattered about the place, or the dishes in the sink. because true hospitality is inviting people in even when the house is out of order and the time is not convenient.

and i don't really want the perfect body. because what is really perfect anyway? what i really want is to be healthy, confident, and to love myself, even with the love lines (ie. stretch marks) that came from childbearing.

and i don't really want to be rich. because money is not the answer to all of my problems. in fact living on a budget teaches us to live without, be generous when we can, and to make do with what we have.

so i rearranged some furniture, painted a few walls (with paint supplies we already had), and used some craftiness to update our home in a thrifty fashion. i am working at eating more veggies and savoring morning jogs with my baby girl as i spend time at getting healthy. and i am learning to make do with less, even when my selfish heart always pines for more.

let me pine after the things that are truly valuable and disregard the lies and bull that tell me otherwise.

let me embody a beautiful soul.

where you invest your love, you invest your life.

"a person speaks the things that are in his heart." - luke 6:45

what things are in my heart?

what is it made of?

does it reflect love, passion, hope, peace?

does it reflect anger, regret, selfishness, fear?

does it long for the LORD or for the world's pretty baubles & man's empty praise?

for several years i've wanted to get the tattoo: MY HEART EXULTS.

but does my heart exult God or myself above all else?

this is a dark world at times.

where man kills man.

cites are bombed.

children are murdered in schools or destroyed before they can even be known.

i want to raise Azaria as a light in this dark place. a light that loves above all else. a light that shines because of her heart as it knows Jesus.

and in truth i want that for myself too.

after all, it starts in me.

i am and will be her first teacher.

so, where am i investing?

soon come.

a month from tomorrow is her estimated due date.

as she moves and kicks inside me now i wonder when she is going to decide she's ready to greet the world. 

will she come early? late? right on schedule?

will she look like me? like him? like us? 

with her arrival i know our world is going to be rocked. it suddenly won't be just two of us, and we suddenly will have to think of this other little person.

i used to tell people i never realized how selfish i was until i got married....but with her arrival i know this reality wil triple. life will never be quite the same.

excitedly and terrified we wait, and we also remember. 

we remember the miscarriage i had nearly a year ago. 

we remember the pain and the loss. 

we remember finding out about this new blessing over five months later. 

i remember praying this time around that even in her tiniest state she would know her maker and feel His presence. that she would come into this world singing His song on her lips and knowing His love in her heart. 

like most women nearing the end of their third trimester i live in a state of discomfort....and yet it will all be forgotten when she comes and we hold her and we start this journey as a family.

soon come.

love & loss.

i ran for the first time yesterday. the first time in months.

in truth i had not planned to run. i went to my favorite park nearby to walk. to walk on the incredibly warm january day and enjoy the 63 degree weather that only sunny Colorado winters can boast.

however as soon as my feet found the path they begged me to move. and not just any movement would do, i needed to run. knowing my body would by now be long unadjusted to the four mile runs i maintained through the summer months, i decided to simply move until i could not anymore.

i made the 1.8 mile loop without stopping. i took in the foothills, the lake, the ponds, the browned grass and bare trees. i took the hills, the uneven paths, the altitude, with familiarity and freedom. you see my body missed it. it missed the air, the movement, the challenge, the endorphins.

somewhere along the way i chose to forget those things. ignore them. but although my mind could do it, my heart could not and so my body begged for the run.

i finished knowing full well my legs would be sore. my unused muscles stretched hard for the first time in months. but i finished knowing full well this was what i needed.

you see, in october i totaled my car. up until that point i ran three and half to five miles, at least four days a week. the accident although leaving my body unharmed, left my soul shaken. the joy that had once filled my heart began to seep from my pores and evaporate into the air leaving behind only fear. dark, lonely, and crippling fear.

the post traumatic stress of the incident coupled with witnessing recent loss around me shook me to the core. so much so that i could not run. you see, running for me although a stress reliever in some ways was not something i did when i was sad or angry. it was something i did when i was happy and free.

i think many don't believe in spiritual warfare. i however witness it daily, and i knew deep down i was letting my fear control me. with it came anxiety, uneasiness, and pain. instead of trusting God to relieve my soul and hold me dear. i let my fear blanket me in a dark place where i could not see the light. i was letting Satan win.

as the war raged i got lost in the busyness of my life. nannying my two boys (ages 5 and 2), working with our college students here at CCU, small group, friendships, visits from friends and visits to see friends. by the time december rolled around i had pushed the fear down visibly but not away.

then the news hit. my husband and i found out we were expecting. my deep desire to be a mom left me with so much excitement that i could not contain it. i began to read and plan and dream of what a little one could bring to our lives. the holidays came and went and when i went for my first eight week appointment i excitedly babbled on to the nurse midwife about my joy. however, that joy began to shift when she did the ultrasound, and the image on the screen was tinier then she hoped.

i saw the concern written all over her face. she said the baby only measured five weeks along. i countered with the thought that we may have conceived later then we suspected. a series of blood tests followed that only continued to leave me discouraged. something was not right.

it was only a week later when i found the signs were too apparent to ignore as my body was ultimately taking a different course then i wanted. i was losing this baby. the fear, the pain, the loss, the helplessness overwhelmed me. i fought to keep the sobbing at my bay but i could not. i walked in a cloud of disillusionment. i wondered if it was my fault. was i too selfish? did i not pray enough? had i not taken care of myself enough? why? why must i lose something i wanted so much?

i felt the fear and the anxiety. like two nagging friends you can't escape from trying to bare their teeth at me. however, unlike the accident i had endured in the fall, this time i felt the stirring of my soul. and just like Job had stood firm faithful to God in his time of grief even while amongst his unsupportive friends; i found my heart telling fear and anxiety to go away. they did not like it of course. they bantered and name called and gnashed their teeth but i could not ignore the HOPE within my soul.

it spoke to me comfortingly saying, "trust me" and "do not fear." and this time i listened. i could not let my fear cripple me or my pain anguish me. one day at a time i had to live one moment at a time. i remembered what i was blessed with, how much i should be thankful for: a supportive husband, a job i love, our students, our friends, our church, our families, all that God had provided. how could i let loss take away all that i had?

so i grieved. i cried and prayed and distracted myself. i let my husband hold me and i let my plans disappear. i grieved but i also allowed myself to begin to move.

i would not be blinded, my eyes were open and i could see that i needed to wait. i need to wait on Him and His timing for my life. the questions, the fears, the anxieties, i hear them sometimes and i sense them sometimes but instead i answer them with the knowledge of HOPE. this world is not perfect and bad things happen. i lost a baby whom i barely knew but whom i already loved so dearly BUT i would not lose my heart.

healing takes time, and pain doesn't always subside quickly. we don't always know why we lose or even why deserve to gain. but in times of joy and in times of sorrow God is there whether we choose to recognize Him or not.

as i felt my legs pound along the pavement, i recognized how my body which for so long had been crippled by fear was now releasing it. and as i moved i could sense the freedom in my breath as it cherished the ability to do what my body was made to do, MOVE.

to move and be moved by God.

we so often take for granted our good times that when bad times occur we remember once again what is important. this is the story of mankind since the beginning.

it felt so good to run again, so much so that i went a head and ran again today. as i did i prayed for wisdom in all things. it comforted me to know that even though i chose for so long to ignore God in my fear that God, Himself, had not chosen to ignore me.

i prayed for the future. i prayed for the waiting. i prayed for patience and courage and hope and love. and i moved. i moved, i ran, i lived and breathed and broke free. rescued and loved by a God so much bigger than this temporary life.

and i ran knowing i would run again tomorrow.

be running up that road...

sometimes i wonder why i feel like i've got so much to prove.

why lauren, why?

what does it matter anyway? isn't it meaningless and empty trying to prove yourself in a world where everyone is trying to prove something, whether we mean to or not?

whether we are trying to prove that we are...

STRONG

or WISE

SUCCESSFUL or

BEAUTIFUL

GOOD or

CONFIDENT

GENEROUS or a

SURVIVOR

a PEACE MAKER

or a DREAMER

an INDEPENDENT or an

INNOVATOR a

FIGHTER or a LOVER.

defining our selves. our self-worth. our existence.

no matter how much i want some of these things to be me, i HATE the fact that i WANT them. i don't want to care about how you or anyone else sees me. i just want to be me.

this doesn't mean that our actions and the way we carry ourselves have no meaning or are not important. to live Christ-like is very important....but it's not important to live Christ-like just so that others will think, "Oh what a GREAT person she is." it's important to live Christ-like, because WE WERE GIFTED WITH HIS LOVE AND SACRIFICE FOR US.

regardless of what you think of me, whether or not i am living as Christ would, my heart should be seeking God alone without attempting to show the world who i am. after all, if i was truly seeking Christ, the rest of me would truly reveal him to others, without a hidden agenda.

somehow people are all filled with hidden agendas. we all have a deep desire to be liked, perhaps even really adored. we like thinking we have the answers, and we like when people seek us out for advice or wisdom. we like feeling needed and loved.

however, doing these things selflessly without agenda is difficult, and usually a CHORE. terrible of me to say that right? a CHORE in helping others?

i need to wash my hands. my ego is getting dirty.

oh wait, i already believe God has washed these blood stained hands, so why am i always trying to steal the credit?

hm. me writing this already feels like irony. again she always has something to prove.

asleep the snow came flying in.

sometimes when i listen to certain music it's as if i have a new sense of purpose.

it's as if the world is opening up and the future seems less daunting.

i can take on anything, go anywhere.

sometimes the music takes me back several years to other places i've been.

sometimes it makes me laugh, cry, dance, smile, dream, and hope.

my father always listens to a lot of instrumental christmas music with versions of all the classics updated with synthesizers, harp and steel drums, changed slightly to give them a different feel, yet beautiful none the less. my favorite are the new takes on traditional hymns. they give me goosebumps every time i hear them. they also stir my soul. i am reminded about why the holiday season is so important.

as this year is coming to a close, i look back at it seeing all that has occurred, and i can't help but think how meaningless it all would be for me if not for my loving Savior who has truly given me a life worth living.

i read an article recently in a magazine about prayer. the person writing it had no real faith in anything, and it made me think how meaningless it must be to pray when you don't know what or who you are praying too. it seemed empty and dark. a one sided dialogue. as Christians, yes, prayer might not always be answered in the way we would individually hope for it, but we always know Christ is listening and knows what is best for each of us. we know that He LOVES us, and to be loved is one of the greatest treasures on earth.

it is such a beautiful thing to BELIEVE, to believe in something that isn't about me, my wants or desires, but to believe in something that is above myself and all of the world. but also to believe in something that teaches us how to truly love the world.

all else is meaningless underneath the sun.

thankful.

God you are so good.

i take you for granted what sometimes feel like almost everyday.

i thank you for family and friends.

i thank you for bringing us to denver, CO and for CCU.

i thank you for our residents and students.

i thank you for our home and our jobs.

i thank you for cranberry and sugar.

i thank you for taking care of me, loving me, blessing me when i fail to honor, love, and serve you with everything. please change my heart daily LORD and let it serve you. PLEASE.

all who wander are not lost.

is it really september? can summer really go by so fast? can life really change as quickly as it has?

it still feels like summer here in denver. 90 degree heat with zero humidity. i know i shouldn't wish summer by just yet, but i have always been hopelessly in love with autumn. so as much as i don't want summer to leave (because it means winter is coming), i just can't help it because i love the fall so much. (i even bought a mulled cider candle yesterday).

life has gotten into more of a steady swing of things. work, building relationships, exploring, living.

i feel for the most part very much at peace, and yet at times i feel like i'm living in a dream. this is not the same life i was living only 3 months ago now, was it? where did that place go? who was that girl? hmm, how existential of me.

i feel different and yet still the same kind of insecure...

i want to be so confident in God, and His way, that my own concerns, insecurities, failures won't matter any more. i will only want to love selflessly and give abundantly to those i meet.

wouldn't that be so beautiful? i'd like to live that kind of beautiful.

my heart exults.

"The LORD is my strength and my shield; to him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him." _Psalm 28:7

RA's have arrived. Debo's staff are really wonderful. There are ten of them two ARDs and eight RAs, 4 guys, 6 girls. Things are in full swing with staff training, so Debo has been super busy and this weekend I haven't seen him much.

In the past this would have bothered me more. For instance when we first moved out to Indiana and RD/RA training started, I hated it. It was all new and unfamiliar, I felt left out (since I was no longer a student or RA anymore), and I felt lonely being in a brand new place with no family or friends around and my husband gone doing stuff. It took me a lot of time to adjust and a lot of time to assert my independence. I also however did not trust God enough. I tried to handle things on my own.

Here in Colorado, being two years older and having gone through everything I have in the past two months, I feel actually quite calm being alone. I suppose I can only assert this to the fact that I will not let myself take my eyes off my Creator. I have held on more tightly, believed more firmly, and trusted more deeply then I have ever before in my life. God is good, so good. The blessings He bestows are endless, and if we ask Him for those blessings (the ones He wants to give, not the ones we want Him to give), and we trust and have faith in Him, believe me friends He will not let us down.

I feel so confident because I trust Him. Yes, I still miss my family and friends that is only natural. However, I don't feel afraid to be alone, or to be left out. I don't worry about making new friends, or getting to know our students. I know that I will be okay on my own because I have my God. I know I will not concern over being left out because I have my God. I know that we will make new friends and pour into our students because I have my God. It is completely freeing to not stress over those little things that often make a new place hard to adjust too.

I just wanted to express this all on here because I want to publicly praise God for answering our prayers. I want to praise God for His challenges in my life and how He has brought me from out of the pit. I want to praise God by letting all know how He will never leave us alone and that He makes this life worth living.

Two months ago, Debo and I lost our home, job, and community. From the ashes he brought us a new home, new jobs, and a new community, but He also brought us something more. He brought us the realization that without Him all those things don't really matter and that with Him all things are possible.


He is good. My heart truly exults.

"a moment, a love, a dream, a laugh, a kiss, a cry, our rights our wrongs."

wow.

we have now been living in colorado for 3 weeks.

as time has passed i have found myself loving this state even more. from the weather to the sites, to all the choices. debo and i have so much fun exploring both the mountain parks/trails and the city. we're are not used to having so many choices. tomorrow we are thinking of either the zoo or the aquarium.

i have officially found a job. it is a huge blessing! i am a nanny again with a family near by who are really wonderful. the hours are amazing, and they are extremely generous which is another blessing in itself.

i have decided that i may go back to school within the next year or so to get certified in Early Childhood Development because i have found that i really love working with little kids. it's funny because that was not the case while i was in college...however, life works like that quite a bit. we make big plans and then they all get shot to hell because well, God has something much different in store.

...and from my life experiences so far i know all too well that God always knows best.

so i'm taking a deep breath and diving in.

"debo, we're not in kansas anymore."

we arrived in denver on friday. the weather in colorado is much dryer than the humidity filled regions i've lived in before, so it made for good move in weather. no stickiness, cool breeze, and in the shade it felt perfect.

we also had the entire admission staff of CCU, minus 1, help us move in. this was also wonderful because they were a bunch of strong guys! with them and a help of a few others all our boxes and furniture were dropped off into our apt in record time.

it's now sunday, and well our apt is really coming together. it looks like a home. however, just as it took time to feel like home at IWU, i know it will also take some time for it to feel like home here.

the place is actually a lot bigger than our former apt, it's also nicer. huge closets, nice size living room, more counter space in the kitchen, 2 medium sized bedrooms, a balcony that gives us a view of the rocky mountains. it's gorgeous really, and it is already painted with creams, avocado greens, deep brown, and midnight blues, which i'm totally digging. i'll post pictures soon, i promise.

we now live in lakewood, colorado, which is a suburb of denver and it is HUGE. it has everything. you name it, this place has it. restaurants, stores, a wholefoods market, upscale fashion mall, anything and everything. and if that isn't enough for you, well, denver is only 20 minutes away, you can actually see downtown on some of the roads. denver is huge in itself, and from sports, to zoo/aquarium, museums, amusement park, and the worlds largest water park right in the city...there's no end to what you can do.

also, if urban life isn't your thing, the mountains are 20 minutes in the other direction. we visited the Red Rocks Park the first day we arrived. it is gorgeous. these gigantic red rocks towering from the dirt of the mountains. it was a foreign sight to an Appalachian girl like me. Red Rocks is the place that has the outdoor amphitheater built right into the rocks (people like Dave Matthews have live concerts recorded there). there are trails for hiking, biking, and in the winter nearby skiing/snowboarding resorts. having lived in small town marion, IN for the past two years i forgot what is was like to live in a BIG place. i've also never lived in the suburbs before (i don't know if i'd want too forever, but that may just be my inner city pride talking) but in a lot of ways they are like cities in themselves.

however, despite all these things and despite fixing up our place, organizing, buying new things, and exploring the area, everything really is but a temporary distraction. these things don't bring peace or fill my heart with true joy. this is the hard part of starting over somewhere new for me. the thought of making new friends, finding a new church, meeting new students, finding a new job, and being far away from my other friends and family is hard to swallow. it's a lot of work and a lot of transition. it honestly is scary as hell. therefore, it's so easy to distract myself with the things of the world to compensate somehow for what i feel like i no longer have here anymore, security & familiarity.

i wish sometimes that my parents were out here or even some of my closest girlfriends. they would act as a comfort zone to me. a safe place. someone on top of my husband to do things with while i learn, transition, make new friends and get acclimated to this new place...

i know though deep down though that the only REAL comfort zone i have is in Christ. He is my stability, my foundation, and He always takes care of me, but in times like these i just get so scared. i quickly forget His past provisions in my life. perhaps it is just in my sinful nature to return back to thinking i will fail and be alone. i will fail and live in fear, self-loathing, and pain. my sinful nature leads me to DOUBT & DESPAIR, a very lethal combination because it lacks HOPE.

in times like these i have two options. i can dwell in fear or i can rise to the challenge and go right to the source of what i need. so this morning i found myself with tear stained cheeks on my couch praying with hands raised to my Savior. praying for peace and for a heart focused on what really matters. i know what it feels like to lose my home now. i also know how easy it can be to make gods out of our things, jobs, and loved ones. i know that God is the only thing that won't ever be shaken in my life.

so yes, jonathan and i are blessed. when we lost our home and job, He surrounded us with loved ones to support us, and then through it all provided jonathan with this job (doing something he loves) out in colorado. however, the real blessing in it all is not the job, or the people, or the home we have now. it's GOD, it's His love for us, it's the care He gives us, the hope He gives us, the truth He feeds our very souls.

i know with time, this place will feel like home. i'll find a job, make new friends, join a church, get to know and mentor our students, and even have opportunities to visit family/friends (or have them visit us). But the reality is Jesus has got to be my security, my comfort zone, and the home for my heart. so even in this time of fear, uncertainty, and transition i know that i actually have everything i need. it's not money, a home, friends, or even family, it's my Lord God, my Father, my Savior. i am very blessed, indeed.

moving out to denver.

you know, i've always been a homebody. i love my family and extended family terribly. we have a gazillion traditions and we typically enjoy each others company. my mom is one of my best friends, and my aunt beth is like a second mom. my cousins clare, jena, sarah and i have been close since we were kids (all three of who which were part of my bridal party).

i also love pittsburgh. i love the city to pieces. i loved growing up in the inner city here, and living in lawrenceville. i practically bleed black and gold. i know it like the back of my hand. i love the culture, the "-ism's", the area, even as ghetto/trashy as it can be sometimes, it's a comfort to me, it's home. in all honesty i hope to live back in pittsburgh permanently one day.

so if you would have told me that i would have lived any place other than pittsburgh when i was in high school, i don't know if i would have believed it. when i got married in june of 08 i knew we were heading to indiana because debo got a job there. however, i looked to it as an adventure, not realizing how hard it would be for me to move 6 hours away, and to no longer live in a city. i grew a lot. i learned to appreciate indiana (even as much as i disliked the midwest). i found i had made a new home, and even though it was not like my pittsburgh one, i still liked it.

that was two years ago, and now debo and i are heading out to denver, colorado. this was not part of "the plan." it actually became a last minute change when debo lost his job at IWU. however, now we are going to be at Colorado Christian University, debo a resident director again, and me hopefully finding a job in denver (a city that is only 15 minutes away). what a blessing that within the month that debo lost one job, God provided a new one doing something he loves to do and something i love being a part of. also, God is bringing us to a place that just seems to be a much better fit, from the culture at CCU to even the smaller student population we are very excited to grown and learn there. [side note: another tough part to all of this is how much we will truly miss our students at IWU, the resident directors, and our other friends in marion, indiana. we love these people so much and we are going to miss them like crazy. they made indiana home and i don't want to forget that.]

it is kinda surreal. i never thought i'd live out west, ever. now i am gearing up for a new adventure and this time i can't even drive 6 hrs to get home to pittsburgh, i have to take a plane. however, i think God has been preparing this heart of mine during the past two years. it's scary, it's exciting, and it's a comfort to know that God is holding my hand just as he has been during this whole process.

God is so good. I can't tell you how blessed we are and just how much He pulled me through this process and taught me.

"The LORD is gracious and full of compassion, slow to anger, and great in mercy. The LORD is good to all, and His tender mercies are over all His works." _Psalm 145:8-9

*sigh* denver here we come.

24.

i turn 24 tomorrow. it's no youth mile-stone like 16, 18, 21, or even 25. but i'm another year older. it's funny how fast life passes. i know it won't be long before i'm 30, then 40, then 60. yet this life is but a vapor in the grand scheme of things.

i have no idea what to expect. we have still had no news and the silence is deafening. i've cried, i've laughed, i've hoped, dreamed, wondered, and doubted. i've accepted fate and cringed at it, smiled gracefully at it and stomped my feet at it like a child in tantrum. it's been a roller coaster ride and i'd be lying if i said i haven't felt up and down about things.

however, God has challenged me to find hope in Him. after all, we are called to find joy even in our trials and tribulations, knowing that perservance produces character and character hope.

("Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." _Romans 5:1-5)

too often i hope for the things i want and not necessarily the things i need. luckily God knows the difference. there is a reason why things happened the way they did. i must take hope in that God knows best. he will not leave jonathan and i idle, He will guide us and take care of us. maybe in not the way we want, but always in the way we need.

my hope is that in this 24th year as i live that i will work to bring glory to my Father in ways i have failed to before. my hope is that He will bless me in that. i take hope in Him for He is the only things i can hope for.


"24 oceans. 24 skies. 24 failures. 24 tries.
24 finds me in 24th place. 24 drop outs at the end of the day.
life is not what i thought it was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.
and i'm not who i thought i was 24 hours ago.
still i'm singing spirit take me up in arms with you.

24 reasons to admit that i'm wrong
with all my excuses still 24 strong.

see i'm not copping out. not copping out. not copping out.
when you're raising the dead in me."

you are my everything and i will adore you.

it's..
time to unclutter my life.
time to turn off all the noise.
time to remember why i'm here.

it's...
time to believe in true joy.
time to see with unjaded eyes.
time to stop distracting myself.

it's...
time to let go.
time to stop controlling.
time to trust.

it's...
time to love with open arms.
time to give with all my might.
time to let Him shoulder my fears.

it's...
time to be still.
time to know.


"Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in all the earth. The Lord Almighty is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress." ~ Psalm 46:10-11

we need prayer.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:7-14

our life is changing big time. it's overwhelming and scary, and yes i'm terrified.
(no i am not pregnant).

i don't want to go into detail on here, but please pray for debo and i. even if this if it is just once, and just a minute prayer. please pray for God's direction, provision, peace, and strength for us. pray that our hearts may trust in Him, and His plan for us.

please pray that i can stand firm and not be shaken. we need this so deeply right now.

peace & love,

Laur

hope for the weary.

i'm a very selfish person.

and i have grown quite weary recently:

a. weary of the pain and suffering of those around me: the lost and confused, the drama filled seekers, the close-minded hypocrites, the heartbroken and lonely.

b. weary of myself and my inability to change, my constant succumbing to my own sick cycle carousel ride.

the first i have no control over. the second i do have control over but i'm lazy and don't want to work for it.

i read this today: "It’s essential for us to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him. The more we receive from Him, the more we have to give to others."

“Who among you fears the Lord?

Who obeys the voice of His Servant?

Who walks in darkness

And has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the Lord

And rely upon his God." ~ Isaiah 50:10

i may not have all the answers for my friends or the strength for myself, but there is one who does and i need reminded of it often.

"Rise up, my love, my fair one, and come away." SS 2:10

"He bids me 'Rise up,' and well He may, for I have long enough been lying among the pots of worldliness. He is risen, I am risen in Him, why then should I cleave unto the dust? From lower loves, desires, pursuits, and aspirations, I would rise towards Him...But Lord, how can a stone rise, how can a lump of clay come away from the horrible pit? O raise me, draw me. Thy grace can do it. Send forth Thy Holy Spirit to kindle sacred flames of love in my heart, and I will continue to rise until I leave life and time behind me, and indeed come away." ~ Charles Spurgeon

I will come away.

you pray, you learn. you ask, you learn.

i'm currently in a bible study that centers around freedom in Christ. yesterday we discussed the fundamental importance of prayer and the destruction of prayerlessness. there are things in my life that i feel like i have struggled with for years. things that i feel like i have tried to overcome by asking God but that i still continue to struggle with anyway. these are some notes i took during the video i watched and it hit me really hard, but also was such an encouragement and a peace that i can truly be FREE:

- our captor tries to coax us into making peace with our bondage. (ex: apathy, giving up, refusing to acknowledge truth, taking the easy way out).

- our captor likes to remind us of all who have fallen and poses the question, "and you think you will be delivered?" (we give up before we even start, thinking nothing will change).

- over and over scripture portrays prayer as the first act of war when under attack. (i sadly think most of the time its the last thing i do, i usually look for a shoulder to cry on or a friend to talk to before i ask God).

- God has reserved momentous victories and great rewards for us, but we'll never make it to our milestones if we can't make it through our moments.

Making it Through the Moment: The Role of Prayer

1. Prayer changes passions.

two reasons we don't choose to take the exit (when tempted/struggling):

a.) we don't want to. Psalm 40:8 - "I desire to do your will, O my God; your law is written on my heart." (Lord heal my "want to" let my heart want to change.)

b.) we don't feel like we deserve to. Romans 8:1 - "Therefore, there is no condemnation for those are in Christ Jesus."

2. Prayer activates partnership. Jude 24-25 - "To him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy--to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen."

if we pray for our hearts to truly change, to truly desire change in Christ, our struggles can be truly swept under our feet by the power of our loving deliverer, Jesus. Amen.

i'm a ghost and i don't think i quite know, where we're gonna go?

little updates.

--- i have some great girl friends here at IWU. it has been such a blessing this year with the new RD staff. our weekly coffee dates, our movie nights, game nights, nights out, driving through snow storm to get chinese food nights, it's been lovely.

--- i recently joined a bible study (it's about time, i know). we're doing a the beth moore series called "breaking free." i have never done a beth moore bible study before, or read anything by her. i'm sure like all popular christian writers/speakers/etc people have mixed opinions of her. however, i'm truly enjoying the study. it's refreshing for me being since i haven't been in one for over two years, and the topics are meeting me in a lot of ways of where i am at. the videos we watch in correlation with the daily reading material are also insightful, funny, and just good. i feel myself letting go of my need for control and slowly but surely letting my trust in God persevere.

--- debo got accepted into Geneva's graduate program for Higher Education. he's doing the institutes program which means he has class two weeks in the summer (8 hour days), and 1 week in the winter, and the in between time he has reading and online work. it takes 3 years to finish this way, but it is very conducive for his life here. especially since he has summers off and a winter break (both times where he would have class). he also can then do his work on his own time. i'm really excited for him!

--- i am such a sucker for valentines day. i use it as an excuse to buy red, pink, and white things and make cute little gift bags for friends and my kiddos, and bake pink things for my boys. i made a bunch of homemade chocolate pretzels for my girl friends. i did both milk and white chocolate and then sprinkled them with red & pink sprinkles. then i packaged them in cute lil baggies. ha! i'm such a nerve. for our hodson staff of boys i made strawberry cupcakes with a whipped cream cheese frosting. i even added red food coloring to the frosting so it would turn pink, and then i sprinkled all the cakes with heart shaped sprinkles! even boys need some pink in their lives.

--- for valentines weekend we are going to be livin it up. it's been a while since we've done any date days alone with each other, since we usually go out with friends or residents most of the time. so debo and i our going to get a couples massage friday night (which i can't wait, cause my lower back has been killing me lately), we are also going to go see a movie and grab lunch on saturday. pretty simple but perfect for us. sunday afternoons debo plays ice hockey, so i am probably going to see the movie "Valentines Day" with my girls here. it should be a nice weekend.

--- our friend allison davis spent the week with us (she got here sunday and left this morning). she works with as an admissions counselor/recruiter for a Lithuania study abroad program with a Christian school there. she spends most of her time in Lithuania but she has tours several times a year at various Christian colleges getting students interested in the program. i love when she comes to stay with us, because although she has long days and she won't get back home till 9 pm we have great conversations over tea. she's such an amazing girl, and an encouragement, i love her. it's so cool to see how God has been working in each of our lives.

--- half marathon training is going great. i have been really disciplined about getting my workouts/runs in everyday. i also feel myself getting stronger, especially my lungs. it's such a great feeling, and i love having a goal to work towards.

--- fresh daises, a pear candle, and cup of green tea our making the apt very cozy on this sunny winter day, and the most beautiful comfort:

"Remember these things, O Jacob for you our my servant, O Israel. I have made you, you are my servant; O Israel, I will not forget you. I have swept away your offenses like cloud; your sins like the morning miss. Return to me, for I have redeemed you." ~ Isaiah 44:21-22

"Beloved, whatever we grip to bring us satisfaction is a lie -- unless it is Christ." ~ Beth Moore

wishing you all a lovely weekend. hope you can make it out of the snow where you are!

peace & love,