mommy woes.

it's not that being a mom isn't an amazing thing. it's just that sometimes the daily grind gets exhausting, and well, i'm tired.

1. i'm tired of inconsistent weather. such is the burden of springtime, you learn to expect that. but we went from gorgeous 60-70 degree weather all last week, to snow, cold and clouds all of this week. i got spoiled with my afternoon walks with baby girl. i got spoiled with getting a chance to get out and soak in some sun.

2. i'm tired of inconsistent naps. i know this isn't abnormal for a 3 month old. she sleeps multiple times a day from anywhere between 20 to 45 minutes. yes, i know i should revel in any sleep times as a chance to get some things done however, it's hard to start something when i don't know if my little girl will wake up fast or sleep longer. i sort of long for routine, so i know and can plan accordingly. however, with a babe this young the only truly routine part of the day is bedtime and wake up time and since she sleeps through the night (with only one night feeding, if that) i know i should not complain. 

3. i'm tired of not having many friends with kids. perhaps it is because we live on a college campus. perhaps it's because we are young....but well we know only a few people with kids. i long for some more moms with babies my age who live close and will hang out all the time. it's just hard to go to certain things sometimes with our kidless friends. baby girl is now past that stage where she could sleep anywhere and now when she is tired she will let you know it...and it means leaving, pronto. it's also hard too because at her age it is not easy to leave her with a sitter. her bedtime routine entails a lot and well she is still just really little. perhaps i'm not ready...but also i don't think many students would be ready either to watch her and put her to bed.

that being said,

4. i'm tired of not having any family close by. i mean we literally have none. i miss my mum. i know if we lived close we would do a lot with our family and i know our family would have our backs. plus, along with the whole sitter bit, grandparents are def. an exception as they make the best babysitters ever, and the most reliable and trustworthy ones you could ask for. 

5. i'm tired of not having the freedom to just pick up and go. since i breastfeed it's just not possible to be gone for long because my boobs won't let me...not to mention there is the whole keeping up your supply. it's just hard...since i'm am her primary sustenance as of yet. plus breast milk is best and formula is so damn expensive. 

6. i'm tired of missing out on things. with a new babe, you lack mobility...and in our lifestyle that was key. now it always feels like either me or debo have to take turns on going to certain things when we used to always be able to go together. 

i don't regret being a mom. i knew it would take sacrifice. 

but well, i'm tired.

and i just feel like complaining about it. 

i do love this sweet face though.

washers, dryers, and some serious perspective.

i won't lie to you. our little two bedroom apartment does feel a little cramped sometimes. we don't have nearly enough closet space now that we are a family of three...and let's face it, babies tend to come with a lot of stuff. however, i truly would not mind it all so much if we just had  

our own washer and dryer. 

you see babies make a considerable amount of laundry. i can't tell you how many times an adorable morning outfit needs to be changed just a few hours later because of some poop explosion and/or major spit up. i sometimes wait now to change her into her day clothes in the morning just in case she decides her breakfast looks better on either side of her outfit. however, i can't just pop a load into the washer in between feedings, naps, or playtime. we have to instead lug it all to a separate building. we are talking about laundry for 3 people as well as detergent and things lugged outside to a completely different location. 

since it is a community laundry room on a college campus the place is usually in chaos. students will leave their stuff in washers and dryers for hours after the fact, so that often you are forced to pull their stuff out so you can put your things in. or you go to grab your clothes a minute too late, and they are scattered on top of the washing machine. it sucks, but sadly our apartment does not have the hook up for a washing machine and dryer. so while the other resident directors get their very own cleaning machines we do not. 

i've tried to strap Zeze in her sling a few times and carry down a few loads....but it is hard. between holding her and loading laundry and then heading back to our apartment for 30 minutes while the clothes wash, to heading back down to put them in the dryer for 45 minutes, to then picking them all up and lugging them back up my three flights of stairs to my apartment with baby in tow is just difficult, time consuming, and a serious workout, which i suppose doesn't hurt, but still!

i mean we are talking laundry for 3 people here. even students doing laundry are only washing for themselves.

 i'm not going lie. i have shed tears on more then one occasion in frustration over this.

i want ease, i want convenience, i want things my way.

 how american does that sound?

we want our lives the way we want it, when we want it, and how we want it. we hate lines, we hate waiting, we hate having less, we are always after more. the thing is despite my inconvenience, i'm truly blessed.  not having a washing machine and dryer is nothing when i think of having my wonderful husband, this beautiful girl that i am able to stay home with because of where we live, family, friends, students, and wonderful people in our lives. we have enough to eat and drink. we have a roof over our heads. we have more than we lack.                perspective.

                                                                                 it's not to say i won't have moments where i pine over a washer and dryer, but i think i need to always stop and remember what i do have.

love & loss.

i ran for the first time yesterday. the first time in months.

in truth i had not planned to run. i went to my favorite park nearby to walk. to walk on the incredibly warm january day and enjoy the 63 degree weather that only sunny Colorado winters can boast.

however as soon as my feet found the path they begged me to move. and not just any movement would do, i needed to run. knowing my body would by now be long unadjusted to the four mile runs i maintained through the summer months, i decided to simply move until i could not anymore.

i made the 1.8 mile loop without stopping. i took in the foothills, the lake, the ponds, the browned grass and bare trees. i took the hills, the uneven paths, the altitude, with familiarity and freedom. you see my body missed it. it missed the air, the movement, the challenge, the endorphins.

somewhere along the way i chose to forget those things. ignore them. but although my mind could do it, my heart could not and so my body begged for the run.

i finished knowing full well my legs would be sore. my unused muscles stretched hard for the first time in months. but i finished knowing full well this was what i needed.

you see, in october i totaled my car. up until that point i ran three and half to five miles, at least four days a week. the accident although leaving my body unharmed, left my soul shaken. the joy that had once filled my heart began to seep from my pores and evaporate into the air leaving behind only fear. dark, lonely, and crippling fear.

the post traumatic stress of the incident coupled with witnessing recent loss around me shook me to the core. so much so that i could not run. you see, running for me although a stress reliever in some ways was not something i did when i was sad or angry. it was something i did when i was happy and free.

i think many don't believe in spiritual warfare. i however witness it daily, and i knew deep down i was letting my fear control me. with it came anxiety, uneasiness, and pain. instead of trusting God to relieve my soul and hold me dear. i let my fear blanket me in a dark place where i could not see the light. i was letting Satan win.

as the war raged i got lost in the busyness of my life. nannying my two boys (ages 5 and 2), working with our college students here at CCU, small group, friendships, visits from friends and visits to see friends. by the time december rolled around i had pushed the fear down visibly but not away.

then the news hit. my husband and i found out we were expecting. my deep desire to be a mom left me with so much excitement that i could not contain it. i began to read and plan and dream of what a little one could bring to our lives. the holidays came and went and when i went for my first eight week appointment i excitedly babbled on to the nurse midwife about my joy. however, that joy began to shift when she did the ultrasound, and the image on the screen was tinier then she hoped.

i saw the concern written all over her face. she said the baby only measured five weeks along. i countered with the thought that we may have conceived later then we suspected. a series of blood tests followed that only continued to leave me discouraged. something was not right.

it was only a week later when i found the signs were too apparent to ignore as my body was ultimately taking a different course then i wanted. i was losing this baby. the fear, the pain, the loss, the helplessness overwhelmed me. i fought to keep the sobbing at my bay but i could not. i walked in a cloud of disillusionment. i wondered if it was my fault. was i too selfish? did i not pray enough? had i not taken care of myself enough? why? why must i lose something i wanted so much?

i felt the fear and the anxiety. like two nagging friends you can't escape from trying to bare their teeth at me. however, unlike the accident i had endured in the fall, this time i felt the stirring of my soul. and just like Job had stood firm faithful to God in his time of grief even while amongst his unsupportive friends; i found my heart telling fear and anxiety to go away. they did not like it of course. they bantered and name called and gnashed their teeth but i could not ignore the HOPE within my soul.

it spoke to me comfortingly saying, "trust me" and "do not fear." and this time i listened. i could not let my fear cripple me or my pain anguish me. one day at a time i had to live one moment at a time. i remembered what i was blessed with, how much i should be thankful for: a supportive husband, a job i love, our students, our friends, our church, our families, all that God had provided. how could i let loss take away all that i had?

so i grieved. i cried and prayed and distracted myself. i let my husband hold me and i let my plans disappear. i grieved but i also allowed myself to begin to move.

i would not be blinded, my eyes were open and i could see that i needed to wait. i need to wait on Him and His timing for my life. the questions, the fears, the anxieties, i hear them sometimes and i sense them sometimes but instead i answer them with the knowledge of HOPE. this world is not perfect and bad things happen. i lost a baby whom i barely knew but whom i already loved so dearly BUT i would not lose my heart.

healing takes time, and pain doesn't always subside quickly. we don't always know why we lose or even why deserve to gain. but in times of joy and in times of sorrow God is there whether we choose to recognize Him or not.

as i felt my legs pound along the pavement, i recognized how my body which for so long had been crippled by fear was now releasing it. and as i moved i could sense the freedom in my breath as it cherished the ability to do what my body was made to do, MOVE.

to move and be moved by God.

we so often take for granted our good times that when bad times occur we remember once again what is important. this is the story of mankind since the beginning.

it felt so good to run again, so much so that i went a head and ran again today. as i did i prayed for wisdom in all things. it comforted me to know that even though i chose for so long to ignore God in my fear that God, Himself, had not chosen to ignore me.

i prayed for the future. i prayed for the waiting. i prayed for patience and courage and hope and love. and i moved. i moved, i ran, i lived and breathed and broke free. rescued and loved by a God so much bigger than this temporary life.

and i ran knowing i would run again tomorrow.

transition, a mission.

i took a test a while back from the book Strengths Finder 2.0. It has you take a 3o minute test online, giving you 30 seconds to answer where you fall on different scales. each side of the scale has very little to do with one another, but you have to choose which side most describes you. then the test proceeds to name your top five strengths. interestingly enough it does not tell you your weaknesses, mostly because it does not want people to use them as an excuse for why they cannot do something well.

when you find out your strengths it gives you a detailed analysis of what each one is and how they can be used. Debo had to take this test when he got his job at IWU, and after he took it he really wanted me to take it because it really gives you a lot of insight into yourself (kind of like personality tests and others can).

upon taking the test i wasn't surprised by what my strengths were, except for one. the one that happened to be my number 2 strength: ADAPTABILITY. i practically fell over when i read it. i laughed, "really? i mean really? this can't be true." it is my husband that is the adaptable one, he can adjust to any place, any person, any where. it's amazing (and one of his strengths).

me however, i feel the exact opposite. i'm the homebody, the non-adventurer. i like the idea of seeing the world, but i want to take someone i know along and i only want to visit. i could very easily live in pittsburgh my whole life, a block from my family, and be perfectly content. when i do leave home, my comfort zone, i freak out, i cry, i think about my family constantly, i become increasingly nostalgic (which makes matters worse), i get nervous, afraid, and i just long for some normalcy/familiarity. how do i know this? i know this from going off to college (1 hr away), from getting married and moving to indiana (6 hrs away), and now moving out to colorado (20+hrs away).

i sure don't feel very ADAPTABLE. i feel like i am a homesick, little girl. i guess eventually i adjust, but for it to be my actual strength? i just don't know.

Debo told me that even if something is supposed to be our strength from the test it may or may not be developed within us yet. like a resource still not tapped.

i feel so homesick. i miss pittsburgh. i miss family. i also miss indiana and our friends and students there. i guess i had adapted to life there, it had become another "home." i suppose with time colorado will too...but now, now it does not feel like home. it feels cold and distant and i just want to be at one of my home's.

perhaps all these changes will bring out my adaptability strength...but truthfully i wish it was already developed, because i hate transitioning. it's exhausting and scary and for me one of my greatest challenges.

*sigh* if you could. please pray for me in my transition.

we need prayer.

"But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.

I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 3:7-14

our life is changing big time. it's overwhelming and scary, and yes i'm terrified.
(no i am not pregnant).

i don't want to go into detail on here, but please pray for debo and i. even if this if it is just once, and just a minute prayer. please pray for God's direction, provision, peace, and strength for us. pray that our hearts may trust in Him, and His plan for us.

please pray that i can stand firm and not be shaken. we need this so deeply right now.

peace & love,

Laur

hope for the weary.

i'm a very selfish person.

and i have grown quite weary recently:

a. weary of the pain and suffering of those around me: the lost and confused, the drama filled seekers, the close-minded hypocrites, the heartbroken and lonely.

b. weary of myself and my inability to change, my constant succumbing to my own sick cycle carousel ride.

the first i have no control over. the second i do have control over but i'm lazy and don't want to work for it.

i read this today: "It’s essential for us to sit at Jesus’ feet and learn from Him. The more we receive from Him, the more we have to give to others."

“Who among you fears the Lord?

Who obeys the voice of His Servant?

Who walks in darkness

And has no light?

Let him trust in the name of the Lord

And rely upon his God." ~ Isaiah 50:10

i may not have all the answers for my friends or the strength for myself, but there is one who does and i need reminded of it often.

thoughts, frustrations, fears, and love.

so funny thing. i went out to coffee last monday with a group of my girl friends here at IWU. we went to our favorite coffee shop and began discusses res life politics and grad school. although, i loved catching up with the girls; i must say i returned home to be quite scared, frustrated, and perturbed with the idea of grad school. this isn't a new thing. it seems everytime i think about grad school i'm unsure/frustrated/and worried. why you ask? here's my list:

1. grad school is expensive. we're talking at least 15-20 thousand dollars. (at least for the programs i've been looking at).
2. i am already in debt because of my undergrad. so is my husband. add that debt together and well the thought of putting more debt on top of that is crazy.
3. the masters degree i would most likely pursue is not really going to bring in a lot of money. and although making a lot of money isn't really important to me, it's still tough to spend more money on a degree that probably won't "pay for itself" as some peoples grad degrees do.
4. i'm not sure what masters program i want to do. i have ideas or think i do, but then i wonder, "do i want to do this for the rest of my life?" then i think, if i'm not even sure what i want to do, how can i justify spending money on it?
5. i wonder sometimes if i feel more pressured to get a masters because i have a useless undergrad degree. and i feel that i need to get it just to have it, like some kind of security blanket perhaps. and then i think it would also just be to prove myself in this world.

i found myself breaking down in front of Debo and our RA and friend Fussy about all these thoughts, frustrations and fears, and well lets just say they both were truly uplifting and encouraging. they reminded me of God's sovereignty and hand over our lives. i really struggle with trust and control, and well you have to realize that God has got you. if we trust and hand over the reigns that we grip so tightly sometimes He leads you where you never thought you could go. i sometimes worry too much about this world. this place. this very temporary and fast moving place. i am not defined by my career. plus an amazing and/or big money-making job can come as quickly as it can be taken away. we can try to hold tight onto these things but they can all be taken away.

see the truth is i am so scared. i'm afraid i'm not good enough, smart enough, or brave enough. i get caught up in the American way of life. in that i need a regular 9-5, 6 figure job to be somebody. i feel judged and worthless because my job is the very opposite of that. i wear sweat pants and chase, feed, change, craw with, play and handle 7 different children (not all at the same time mind you) 5 days a week, all day. there is nothing professional about my job, and no i don't make a lot of money. however, i LOVE my kids. i LOVE my job. however, when i compare it to my friends in grad school starting down paths of wise career choices for themselves, or my friends who are now young professionals, i feel inadequate. when my grandma asks me, "when am i going to get a "real" job?" i feel inadequate.

this isn't the first time i've posted about these things on my blog. this isn't the first time i have felt these things so strongly. it's just so hard, you know? i feel our society wearing me down, feeding me lies, making me feel small and helpless and inadequate. i feel like i failed because i am not ambitious, and i don't know what grad school to go to or what program to start. i feel like because i didn't obtain a business degree, or a nursing degree, or some other practical sort of degree, i failed. i feel so much pressure and fear for my life's path that it keeps me up at night.

then i step back and look around me. i have seen how friends have watched love ones deteriorate slowly in health before them, and others who have lost people in a blink of an eye. i see how natural disasters strip already impoverished countries of the lives of its people and then remember how even the wealthy countries are not exempt from earths disasters. i read headlines of the rich and famous, who have ideal jobs, and all that money can buy, die--overdosed and alone. death reminds me of how temporary this life is, how much we have no control over so much of our lives, how meaningless so many things that we (our culture) put some kind of value in are. i sometimes ask God, why? then i remember how Jesus came before us as a man, lived a short 33 years on earth, and died a excruciating death in order to save us all. was any of that fair?

i know this post is long, and the tangents seem endless, but it's therapeutic in a way for me to be able to be honest with myself, and frustrated with this world, and most importantly angry with myself because i let all its bull get to me. i put value in things that aren't truly valuable and what i get out of those things is fear.

then i remember. i get a glimpse of hope:
- an encouraging and loving conversation with my husband and one of my other closest guy friends.
- a note the next day from debo saying: "I know you get down and out about your job but God has gifted you in a very special way. The Devil loves to discourage people from their gifts, talents, and joys. Don't let him do it to you. Everyone loves you and appreciates what you do, especially me. love, Debo"
- i get so scared about my life and the path i should take and then i read scripture and hear the love of God pouring out and reminding me the truth: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7

through all of it it's God saying to me: "it's OKAY." "i love you and i've got you." and it's beautiful, true, encouraging, faithful, hopeful, gracious, merciful, peaceful, unfailing, wondrous...LOVE.

in the end it's the only thing that matters isn't it?

so do i know about grad school? no. do i know what happens after i finish this time in my life nannying? no. do i have worry about these things? America would say "yes", but God fittingly and serenely says, "NO."

you don't need to worry either. i just wanted you to know.

and i've been wondering 'bout that change.

*sigh* sometimes i find myself envious of other peoples lives. it's like they have it all together. it's like everything is set, lovely, and strangely in their control.

now deep down i know none of that is true. they don't. they have shit happen. they have struggles, frustrations, pressures, fears, concerns, loss, anger and sadness.

and they def. have no control, for lets face it: none of us do.

but man sometimes i just wish that maybe i could live their life for one day. see what it was like. ironically it would probably leave me rushing back into my own skin. maybe today i just feel unnerved in my own skin.

hm. i don't know. it's also interesting that the people i typically envy i don't even know. they are really but strangers or acquaintances at most. so in truth i don't even know them enough to know their humanness. which is probably why their lives seem so perfect, fascinating, and untouchable.

i love how i am self-analyzing myself on here. ha. just another glimpse into my inner psyche via my blog. yep, i am indeed human, and yes, i am indeed being a selfish little girl right now.

blah.

i just feel blah. it's cold. i am ready for summer. i feel unmotivated. uncreative. bored. tired. and irritable. blah blah blah.

so i thought i'd share on here.

we're fated to pretend.

i'm just pretending that foot of snow didn't fall last night.

hibernation.

okay. so i think i've always known this, but this year in particular i really feel it deeply.

i am not a winter person.

winter to me is that dark abyss time of the year where i can no longer go outside and pleasantly walk around, or rollerblade, or bike ride, or simply sit on a blanket and read a book. instead it's the time of year i feel forced...or trapped rather inside where i end up doing a lot of nothing and quite a considerable amount of sitting. *sigh*

i also have little motivation to wear anything other then sweat pants & hoodies. i just hate being cold... jeans make me feel cold. so i like to think of this period of time hibernation. because i indeed feel like hibernating.

also, i'm not sure why but i really feel like hibernation should be spelled with a "y"...hybernation. yeah random i know but it just looks better to me for some reason.

i'm ready for spring. i'm just hoping IN has less rain during spring time then Western PA.