love & loss.

i ran for the first time yesterday. the first time in months.

in truth i had not planned to run. i went to my favorite park nearby to walk. to walk on the incredibly warm january day and enjoy the 63 degree weather that only sunny Colorado winters can boast.

however as soon as my feet found the path they begged me to move. and not just any movement would do, i needed to run. knowing my body would by now be long unadjusted to the four mile runs i maintained through the summer months, i decided to simply move until i could not anymore.

i made the 1.8 mile loop without stopping. i took in the foothills, the lake, the ponds, the browned grass and bare trees. i took the hills, the uneven paths, the altitude, with familiarity and freedom. you see my body missed it. it missed the air, the movement, the challenge, the endorphins.

somewhere along the way i chose to forget those things. ignore them. but although my mind could do it, my heart could not and so my body begged for the run.

i finished knowing full well my legs would be sore. my unused muscles stretched hard for the first time in months. but i finished knowing full well this was what i needed.

you see, in october i totaled my car. up until that point i ran three and half to five miles, at least four days a week. the accident although leaving my body unharmed, left my soul shaken. the joy that had once filled my heart began to seep from my pores and evaporate into the air leaving behind only fear. dark, lonely, and crippling fear.

the post traumatic stress of the incident coupled with witnessing recent loss around me shook me to the core. so much so that i could not run. you see, running for me although a stress reliever in some ways was not something i did when i was sad or angry. it was something i did when i was happy and free.

i think many don't believe in spiritual warfare. i however witness it daily, and i knew deep down i was letting my fear control me. with it came anxiety, uneasiness, and pain. instead of trusting God to relieve my soul and hold me dear. i let my fear blanket me in a dark place where i could not see the light. i was letting Satan win.

as the war raged i got lost in the busyness of my life. nannying my two boys (ages 5 and 2), working with our college students here at CCU, small group, friendships, visits from friends and visits to see friends. by the time december rolled around i had pushed the fear down visibly but not away.

then the news hit. my husband and i found out we were expecting. my deep desire to be a mom left me with so much excitement that i could not contain it. i began to read and plan and dream of what a little one could bring to our lives. the holidays came and went and when i went for my first eight week appointment i excitedly babbled on to the nurse midwife about my joy. however, that joy began to shift when she did the ultrasound, and the image on the screen was tinier then she hoped.

i saw the concern written all over her face. she said the baby only measured five weeks along. i countered with the thought that we may have conceived later then we suspected. a series of blood tests followed that only continued to leave me discouraged. something was not right.

it was only a week later when i found the signs were too apparent to ignore as my body was ultimately taking a different course then i wanted. i was losing this baby. the fear, the pain, the loss, the helplessness overwhelmed me. i fought to keep the sobbing at my bay but i could not. i walked in a cloud of disillusionment. i wondered if it was my fault. was i too selfish? did i not pray enough? had i not taken care of myself enough? why? why must i lose something i wanted so much?

i felt the fear and the anxiety. like two nagging friends you can't escape from trying to bare their teeth at me. however, unlike the accident i had endured in the fall, this time i felt the stirring of my soul. and just like Job had stood firm faithful to God in his time of grief even while amongst his unsupportive friends; i found my heart telling fear and anxiety to go away. they did not like it of course. they bantered and name called and gnashed their teeth but i could not ignore the HOPE within my soul.

it spoke to me comfortingly saying, "trust me" and "do not fear." and this time i listened. i could not let my fear cripple me or my pain anguish me. one day at a time i had to live one moment at a time. i remembered what i was blessed with, how much i should be thankful for: a supportive husband, a job i love, our students, our friends, our church, our families, all that God had provided. how could i let loss take away all that i had?

so i grieved. i cried and prayed and distracted myself. i let my husband hold me and i let my plans disappear. i grieved but i also allowed myself to begin to move.

i would not be blinded, my eyes were open and i could see that i needed to wait. i need to wait on Him and His timing for my life. the questions, the fears, the anxieties, i hear them sometimes and i sense them sometimes but instead i answer them with the knowledge of HOPE. this world is not perfect and bad things happen. i lost a baby whom i barely knew but whom i already loved so dearly BUT i would not lose my heart.

healing takes time, and pain doesn't always subside quickly. we don't always know why we lose or even why deserve to gain. but in times of joy and in times of sorrow God is there whether we choose to recognize Him or not.

as i felt my legs pound along the pavement, i recognized how my body which for so long had been crippled by fear was now releasing it. and as i moved i could sense the freedom in my breath as it cherished the ability to do what my body was made to do, MOVE.

to move and be moved by God.

we so often take for granted our good times that when bad times occur we remember once again what is important. this is the story of mankind since the beginning.

it felt so good to run again, so much so that i went a head and ran again today. as i did i prayed for wisdom in all things. it comforted me to know that even though i chose for so long to ignore God in my fear that God, Himself, had not chosen to ignore me.

i prayed for the future. i prayed for the waiting. i prayed for patience and courage and hope and love. and i moved. i moved, i ran, i lived and breathed and broke free. rescued and loved by a God so much bigger than this temporary life.

and i ran knowing i would run again tomorrow.