so funny thing. i went out to coffee last monday with a group of my girl friends here at IWU. we went to our favorite coffee shop and began discusses res life politics and grad school. although, i loved catching up with the girls; i must say i returned home to be quite scared, frustrated, and perturbed with the idea of grad school. this isn't a new thing. it seems everytime i think about grad school i'm unsure/frustrated/and worried. why you ask? here's my list:
1. grad school is expensive. we're talking at least 15-20 thousand dollars. (at least for the programs i've been looking at).
2. i am already in debt because of my undergrad. so is my husband. add that debt together and well the thought of putting more debt on top of that is crazy.
3. the masters degree i would most likely pursue is not really going to bring in a lot of money. and although making a lot of money isn't really important to me, it's still tough to spend more money on a degree that probably won't "pay for itself" as some peoples grad degrees do.
4. i'm not sure what masters program i want to do. i have ideas or think i do, but then i wonder, "do i want to do this for the rest of my life?" then i think, if i'm not even sure what i want to do, how can i justify spending money on it?
5. i wonder sometimes if i feel more pressured to get a masters because i have a useless undergrad degree. and i feel that i need to get it just to have it, like some kind of security blanket perhaps. and then i think it would also just be to prove myself in this world.
i found myself breaking down in front of Debo and our RA and friend Fussy about all these thoughts, frustrations and fears, and well lets just say they both were truly uplifting and encouraging. they reminded me of God's sovereignty and hand over our lives. i really struggle with trust and control, and well you have to realize that God has got you. if we trust and hand over the reigns that we grip so tightly sometimes He leads you where you never thought you could go. i sometimes worry too much about this world. this place. this very temporary and fast moving place. i am not defined by my career. plus an amazing and/or big money-making job can come as quickly as it can be taken away. we can try to hold tight onto these things but they can all be taken away.
see the truth is i am so scared. i'm afraid i'm not good enough, smart enough, or brave enough. i get caught up in the American way of life. in that i need a regular 9-5, 6 figure job to be somebody. i feel judged and worthless because my job is the very opposite of that. i wear sweat pants and chase, feed, change, craw with, play and handle 7 different children (not all at the same time mind you) 5 days a week, all day. there is nothing professional about my job, and no i don't make a lot of money. however, i LOVE my kids. i LOVE my job. however, when i compare it to my friends in grad school starting down paths of wise career choices for themselves, or my friends who are now young professionals, i feel inadequate. when my grandma asks me, "when am i going to get a "real" job?" i feel inadequate.
this isn't the first time i've posted about these things on my blog. this isn't the first time i have felt these things so strongly. it's just so hard, you know? i feel our society wearing me down, feeding me lies, making me feel small and helpless and inadequate. i feel like i failed because i am not ambitious, and i don't know what grad school to go to or what program to start. i feel like because i didn't obtain a business degree, or a nursing degree, or some other practical sort of degree, i failed. i feel so much pressure and fear for my life's path that it keeps me up at night.
then i step back and look around me. i have seen how friends have watched love ones deteriorate slowly in health before them, and others who have lost people in a blink of an eye. i see how natural disasters strip already impoverished countries of the lives of its people and then remember how even the wealthy countries are not exempt from earths disasters. i read headlines of the rich and famous, who have ideal jobs, and all that money can buy, die--overdosed and alone. death reminds me of how temporary this life is, how much we have no control over so much of our lives, how meaningless so many things that we (our culture) put some kind of value in are. i sometimes ask God, why? then i remember how Jesus came before us as a man, lived a short 33 years on earth, and died a excruciating death in order to save us all. was any of that fair?
i know this post is long, and the tangents seem endless, but it's therapeutic in a way for me to be able to be honest with myself, and frustrated with this world, and most importantly angry with myself because i let all its bull get to me. i put value in things that aren't truly valuable and what i get out of those things is fear.
then i remember. i get a glimpse of hope:
- an encouraging and loving conversation with my husband and one of my other closest guy friends.
- a note the next day from debo saying: "I know you get down and out about your job but God has gifted you in a very special way. The Devil loves to discourage people from their gifts, talents, and joys. Don't let him do it to you. Everyone loves you and appreciates what you do, especially me. love, Debo"
- i get so scared about my life and the path i should take and then i read scripture and hear the love of God pouring out and reminding me the truth: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." ~ Philippians 4:6-7
through all of it it's God saying to me: "it's OKAY." "i love you and i've got you." and it's beautiful, true, encouraging, faithful, hopeful, gracious, merciful, peaceful, unfailing, wondrous...LOVE.
in the end it's the only thing that matters isn't it?
so do i know about grad school? no. do i know what happens after i finish this time in my life nannying? no. do i have worry about these things? America would say "yes", but God fittingly and serenely says, "NO."
you don't need to worry either. i just wanted you to know.
4 comments:
*hug*
In a way, I know what you mean. My degree is "practical" but I don't want to use it. I keep throwing around grad school and have very similar fears about it. We could start our own club :)
We're so blessed to have such wonderful husbands who can balance out our emotions and love us for who we are, regardless of our "official" educational qualifications!
You give me hope dear! Thank you for your thoughts and encouragement. I'll be thinking of you as I question what I should do about the future as well. I just have to constantly remind myself that HE will not let me down. When I am back in the country, I want to give you a hug!!!
very awesome thoughts and insight. i am with you and totally understand. it is encouraging to see that from those around you.
p.s. Tom and I are just going to come live with you guys... haha jk.
oh sweet lauren, my heart goes out to you. i've been there.
i have a history degree, too. (that's what you have, right?) the whole point of the liberal arts is to teach you to think and write and communicate, which you clearly do quite eloquently, so mission accomplished! you could work in any number of fields, with or without a masters.
but don't let anyone make you feel like crap for caring for children (yours or anyone else's), because really, what could be more important?
after bellefield, i spent almost two years waiting tables and serving coffee and was almost despondent. one time a customer asked me if william and mary knew i was working there, and that i shouldn't tell them or they might revoke my degree! who says stuff like that??
it was so hard to remember to find my value in Christ and not in my position or accomplishment (or lack thereof).
you'll find your way, but you already have the most beautiful, honest, godly heart, and that is worth more than any degree or flashy job.
love you!
Post a Comment