we could be heros. forever and ever.

so ellie (the four year old i watch) and i were sitting down to lunch. our topic of conversation shifted from "who made the united states?" to "how does God make babies in mommy's tummys" to my personal favorite question of the day, "What will Keagan say when he puts a baby in his wife's tummy someday?" note that keagan is her nearly 2 year old brother.

hahaha. wow. gotta love little kids.

this week has been so busy. i'm absolutely exhausted. full days with 2 or 3 kids, and then busy nights with students and getting to know new Resident Director's (and spouses). i must say that i love hanging out with the new RD's. it's been so good. this is just a great staff this year and i love everyone's willingness to connect and hang out. i'm hoping to see The Time Traveler's Wife with a bunch of the girls tomorrow.

in other news, i feel like God's continuing to show me the meaning of having my identity in Him, along with layering on humility and patience. i def. feel humbled in just being a full time baby sitter with a college degree. i def. need to be patient as i trust that God will help reveal what direction i want to go in with my future and bring me to a job/career that i can feel passionate about. and i def. need to remember i am not defined by who i am with or what job/career/talent/passion i'm doing or fulfilling. i am defined first and foremost by Him, and He is enough. everything else will fall into place. it's just trusting, praying, waiting, and then pushing myself to going out and achieving what i am called to next.

right now, it's just this (babysitting/figuring out if i want to get my masters/or what career-job is for me)... and well, that's an okay place to be.

and so it begins...

although the summer heat is now in full swing here in indiana. i know deep down that summer is moving fast. which even though i adore fall, i hate to see summer go because i despise winter. however, i refuse to think about all of this now and instead just remind myself that summer lasts thru september anyway.

indiana wesleyan university hired 10 new RD positions this year, which considering that there are 15 positions all together is kinda crazy. debo and i were very excited about the prospect of more new RD's because when he was hired, there was only 1 other newbie, and most of the RD's were going on their 4th year or more. the new people hired are made up of individuals a lot closer in age to us, some married, some single, and some married w/ children. it has been really nice getting to know them this past week, and thru out this weekend. it's just refreshing to be able to build some new relationships with our peers who are experiencing (or are going to experience) the same positons we are in everyday. we are very excited for this upcoming year. we can't wait to have all our guys back in hodson hall, but we also just hope that along with our student relationships we can build some close friendships this year with a lot of these new RD's.

this year i'm also going to be taking on more kiddos. no schedule is really set yet, but it looks right now to be a mixture of my usual two (ellie 4, keagan 1 1/2), with a 2 1/2 year old boy named caleb, and a 18 month year old boy named dovev. on monday i'm going to have ellie, keagan, and caleb. i'm hoping that i will be able to handle 3 or more. i know i'm going to be even more exhausted at the end of the day, but the extra money will be very helpful to us. the only downside is the hours might be kinda weird when i'm watching ones of different parents. for instance i would usually start at 9 to watch ellie and keagan, but with caleb i have to start at 7, which means i might start at 7 and then work 8+ hrs because sitting times overlap. it should be interesting. the kiddos are all very cute though.

with the sitting i also need to be researching IWU grad program stuff, and start working on getting ready for that. you know applications, getting loans/grants, possibly the GRE. blah. you know those tedious things you have to do to go to school. i'm just hoping that i am making the right decision. i guess i'm just second guessing myself, but talking to different people i hear of so many different grad programs that i just really want to choose the one that is right for me. i want to make sure that counseling is indeed where i should be heading. we shall see. perhaps higher education is the field i'd rather pursue. *sigh* who knows. i just wish i was that super driven ambitious person who had big plans and the will to overcome all odds. i'm just so intimidated i think i just want to make the right choice before i dive in, and the problem then becomes "what is the right choice for me?" hm.

it's crazy training time right now for debo, and it's the start of Nanny time for me.

i hope this 1st semester can be a bright one.

i guess it couldn't be as daunting as last years!

i wish i could be watching this cutie too!

(this is izzy, brian and janelle jensen's little girl)

told my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

"this is my excavation and today is kumran.
everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed." ~ bon iver "Re: Stacks"

it's strange to have alone time when you have gone without it for so long. debo is on a RD retreat until wednesday, and left early monday morning. i don't have sitting this week until thursday or at least friday, so i've had a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden. it's a strange thing when your used to being busy.

i've been distant from God for a while now. i've been distracted and just not really having any form of dialogue with Him. there's been some prayer, yes...but not a lot of me just talking to God. i opened my bible yesterday for the first time in months. the thing is i've felt the distance. i've felt isolated, scared, selfish, and insecure. these things have poured out from me into every aspect of my life.

it's awful how insecurities bring out this ugly side of you. a side that frustrates those who know you better, or turns away people who know you not at all. it brings down your friends and loved ones, and leaves you making decisions strictly for your own personal gain.

i guess it should never surprise me that just talking to God can calm the fear inside me.
and i'm not talking about just some empty pray of formality...but rather pouring out every fear i have to Him.

we fear being alone. we fear not being connected. we fear we have no control, esp of ourselves. it doesn't matter if we are married or single, rich or poor, surrounded by people or isolated in a cubicle. we long deeply for wholeness.

i don't always live it right. i don't always even want too.

but at the end of the day LORD, please let it always be You.