"this is my excavation and today is kumran.
everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed." ~ bon iver "Re: Stacks"
it's strange to have alone time when you have gone without it for so long. debo is on a RD retreat until wednesday, and left early monday morning. i don't have sitting this week until thursday or at least friday, so i've had a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden. it's a strange thing when your used to being busy.
i've been distant from God for a while now. i've been distracted and just not really having any form of dialogue with Him. there's been some prayer, yes...but not a lot of me just talking to God. i opened my bible yesterday for the first time in months. the thing is i've felt the distance. i've felt isolated, scared, selfish, and insecure. these things have poured out from me into every aspect of my life.
it's awful how insecurities bring out this ugly side of you. a side that frustrates those who know you better, or turns away people who know you not at all. it brings down your friends and loved ones, and leaves you making decisions strictly for your own personal gain.
i guess it should never surprise me that just talking to God can calm the fear inside me.
and i'm not talking about just some empty pray of formality...but rather pouring out every fear i have to Him.
we fear being alone. we fear not being connected. we fear we have no control, esp of ourselves. it doesn't matter if we are married or single, rich or poor, surrounded by people or isolated in a cubicle. we long deeply for wholeness.
i don't always live it right. i don't always even want too.
but at the end of the day LORD, please let it always be You.
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