where you invest your love, you invest your life.

"a person speaks the things that are in his heart." - luke 6:45

what things are in my heart?

what is it made of?

does it reflect love, passion, hope, peace?

does it reflect anger, regret, selfishness, fear?

does it long for the LORD or for the world's pretty baubles & man's empty praise?

for several years i've wanted to get the tattoo: MY HEART EXULTS.

but does my heart exult God or myself above all else?

this is a dark world at times.

where man kills man.

cites are bombed.

children are murdered in schools or destroyed before they can even be known.

i want to raise Azaria as a light in this dark place. a light that loves above all else. a light that shines because of her heart as it knows Jesus.

and in truth i want that for myself too.

after all, it starts in me.

i am and will be her first teacher.

so, where am i investing?

she pouts.

this pout face gets me every time!

hilarious.

love.

<3

ergo...go.

SO, i just caved and bought a ergo baby carrier.

here in the baby world these things are like the "Bentley" of all baby carriers. OR something like that.

all i know is baby girl is outgrowing my maya wrap sling, and every mom i know (including quite a few at my church who sport their babies in said carrier while at church) have told me these are indeed the best!

 i just want another alternative to a stroller...plus i've learned from my maya sling that baby wearing can offer a major convenience to a busy mom. as having your hands free is key. 

so pretty soon i'll be looking like this chick; all hip (and hipsterish like the native coloradan mothers from boulder do when they wear these) with my fabulous ergo. 

haha, what i actually meant to say is that you will def. notice my fabulous birthing hips while i sport my ergo. 

but me and baby girl can't wait.

cause that's just how we roll. 

insert subliminal cuteness here -->

and she is just so darn cute!

3 months.

today azaria is three months!

little girl is getting big.

we love trying to get that smile out.

but we still have to work for it yet.

she loves to look around 

and check out this brave new world.

she has recently found her hands 

which she loves to eat.

she also found her feet and tries to grab them

and kicks them around.

she is a talker with much to say.

ZeZe lately.

Loves: eating, snuggling, going for walks, sucking on her hands, watching her mobile, sitting up in her bumbo-like chair, being carried up on the shoulder, playing with mommy & daddy, and chatting. 

Dislikes: taking long naps, getting out of the bathtub, tummy time, and playing on her back for long spurts. 

Nicknames: sugar mama, sugar baby, sugar bear, sugar bottom, peaches & cream, girlfriend, peanut, lima bean, little girl, stinky mink, chipper munk, squirmy worm, fussy pants, grumpy gills.

always the quizzical brow.

mommy woes.

it's not that being a mom isn't an amazing thing. it's just that sometimes the daily grind gets exhausting, and well, i'm tired.

1. i'm tired of inconsistent weather. such is the burden of springtime, you learn to expect that. but we went from gorgeous 60-70 degree weather all last week, to snow, cold and clouds all of this week. i got spoiled with my afternoon walks with baby girl. i got spoiled with getting a chance to get out and soak in some sun.

2. i'm tired of inconsistent naps. i know this isn't abnormal for a 3 month old. she sleeps multiple times a day from anywhere between 20 to 45 minutes. yes, i know i should revel in any sleep times as a chance to get some things done however, it's hard to start something when i don't know if my little girl will wake up fast or sleep longer. i sort of long for routine, so i know and can plan accordingly. however, with a babe this young the only truly routine part of the day is bedtime and wake up time and since she sleeps through the night (with only one night feeding, if that) i know i should not complain. 

3. i'm tired of not having many friends with kids. perhaps it is because we live on a college campus. perhaps it's because we are young....but well we know only a few people with kids. i long for some more moms with babies my age who live close and will hang out all the time. it's just hard to go to certain things sometimes with our kidless friends. baby girl is now past that stage where she could sleep anywhere and now when she is tired she will let you know it...and it means leaving, pronto. it's also hard too because at her age it is not easy to leave her with a sitter. her bedtime routine entails a lot and well she is still just really little. perhaps i'm not ready...but also i don't think many students would be ready either to watch her and put her to bed.

that being said,

4. i'm tired of not having any family close by. i mean we literally have none. i miss my mum. i know if we lived close we would do a lot with our family and i know our family would have our backs. plus, along with the whole sitter bit, grandparents are def. an exception as they make the best babysitters ever, and the most reliable and trustworthy ones you could ask for. 

5. i'm tired of not having the freedom to just pick up and go. since i breastfeed it's just not possible to be gone for long because my boobs won't let me...not to mention there is the whole keeping up your supply. it's just hard...since i'm am her primary sustenance as of yet. plus breast milk is best and formula is so damn expensive. 

6. i'm tired of missing out on things. with a new babe, you lack mobility...and in our lifestyle that was key. now it always feels like either me or debo have to take turns on going to certain things when we used to always be able to go together. 

i don't regret being a mom. i knew it would take sacrifice. 

but well, i'm tired.

and i just feel like complaining about it. 

i do love this sweet face though.

a view from her angle.

blue eyed girl.

washers, dryers, and some serious perspective.

i won't lie to you. our little two bedroom apartment does feel a little cramped sometimes. we don't have nearly enough closet space now that we are a family of three...and let's face it, babies tend to come with a lot of stuff. however, i truly would not mind it all so much if we just had  

our own washer and dryer. 

you see babies make a considerable amount of laundry. i can't tell you how many times an adorable morning outfit needs to be changed just a few hours later because of some poop explosion and/or major spit up. i sometimes wait now to change her into her day clothes in the morning just in case she decides her breakfast looks better on either side of her outfit. however, i can't just pop a load into the washer in between feedings, naps, or playtime. we have to instead lug it all to a separate building. we are talking about laundry for 3 people as well as detergent and things lugged outside to a completely different location. 

since it is a community laundry room on a college campus the place is usually in chaos. students will leave their stuff in washers and dryers for hours after the fact, so that often you are forced to pull their stuff out so you can put your things in. or you go to grab your clothes a minute too late, and they are scattered on top of the washing machine. it sucks, but sadly our apartment does not have the hook up for a washing machine and dryer. so while the other resident directors get their very own cleaning machines we do not. 

i've tried to strap Zeze in her sling a few times and carry down a few loads....but it is hard. between holding her and loading laundry and then heading back to our apartment for 30 minutes while the clothes wash, to heading back down to put them in the dryer for 45 minutes, to then picking them all up and lugging them back up my three flights of stairs to my apartment with baby in tow is just difficult, time consuming, and a serious workout, which i suppose doesn't hurt, but still!

i mean we are talking laundry for 3 people here. even students doing laundry are only washing for themselves.

 i'm not going lie. i have shed tears on more then one occasion in frustration over this.

i want ease, i want convenience, i want things my way.

 how american does that sound?

we want our lives the way we want it, when we want it, and how we want it. we hate lines, we hate waiting, we hate having less, we are always after more. the thing is despite my inconvenience, i'm truly blessed.  not having a washing machine and dryer is nothing when i think of having my wonderful husband, this beautiful girl that i am able to stay home with because of where we live, family, friends, students, and wonderful people in our lives. we have enough to eat and drink. we have a roof over our heads. we have more than we lack.                perspective.

                                                                                 it's not to say i won't have moments where i pine over a washer and dryer, but i think i need to always stop and remember what i do have.