we all have wood and nails.

"The critical question for our generation--and for every generation--is this: If you could have heaven, with no sickness, and with all the friends you ever had on earth, and all the food you ever liked, and all the leisure activities you ever enjoyed, and all the natural beauties you ever saw, all the physical pleasures you ever tasted, and no human conflict or any natural disasters, could you be satisfied with heaven, if Christ was not there?" ~ John Piper, God Is the Gospel

if we are deeply in love with God, we know we could never be satisfied in a heaven without Christ.

but doesn't that question make you question your own heart and love for Jesus? i def. know it blew me off my chair when i read that.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Oh God, you are my God, earnestly I seek you; my soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water. I have seen you in the sanctuary and beheld your power and your glory. Because your love is better than life, my lips will glorify you. I will praise you as long as I live, and in your name I will lift up my hands. My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods; with singing lips mouth will praise you." ~ Psalm 63:1-5

" Why are the words of Psalm 63:1-5 not an honest reflection of our lives on most days? Lukewarm living and claiming Christ's name simultaneously is utterly disgusting to God. And when we are honest, we have to admit that it isn't fulfilling or joyful to us, either.

But the solution isn't to try harder, fail, and then make bigger promises, only to fail again. It does no good to muster up more love for God, to will yourself to love Him more. When loving Him becomes obligation, one of many things we have to do, we end up focusing even more on ourselves. No wonder so few people want to hear from us about what we ourselves feel is a boring, guilt ridden chore!

...We are called to surrender everything for Christ--a concept most churchgoers are not particularly thrilled by. So what is missing?

God wants to change us; He died so that we could change. The answer lies in letting Him change you. In His counsel to the lukewarm church in Laodicea he declared, "Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice and opens the door, I will come in and eat with him, and he with me" (Rev. 3:20). His counsel wasn't to "try harder," but rather to let Him in. As James wrote, "Come near to God and he will come near to you" (4:8). " ~ Francis Chan, Crazy Love, pp102-103

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lord may your love blow me away and my love for You overcome all the fear, worry, selfishness, and materialism that i let get in the way of You. Please help to change my heart so that my want matches my need for only You.

random thought.

"it gains the more it gives
and it rises with the fall
so hand me that remote
can't you see all that stuff's a sideshow?" - frou frou

"everybody wake up." - brand new


hm. these lyrics just seem so appropriate in so many ways for me.

i love you my Jesus.

i love you Debo.

and i love you, yes you.

Come near to God and he will come near to you. - James 4:8

" If life is a river, then pursuing Christ requires swimming upstream. When we stop swimming or actively following Him, we automatically begin to be swept downstream.

Or, to use another metaphor more familiar to city people, we are on a never-ending downward escalator. In order to grow, we have to turn around and sprint up the escalator, putting up with perturbed looks from everyone else who is gradually moving downward.

I believe much of the American churchgoing population, while not specifically swimming downstream, is slowly floating away from Christ. It isn't a conscious choice, it is nonetheless happening because little in their lives propels them toward Christ.

Perhaps it sounds as though I believe you have to work your way to Jesus. I don't. I fully believe that we are saved by grace, through faith, by the gift of God, and that the true faith manifests itself through our actions. As James writes, "Faith by itself, if not accompanied by action, is dead" (2:17). The lives of many people who call themselves "Christians" in America lack manifestations of a vital and active faith.

And this, to be perfectly honest, frightens me. It keeps me up at night. It causes me to pray desperately and fervently for my congregation, for the groups of people I speak to, and for the church as a whole.

Henri Nouwen writes about this in his book With Open Hands: "It is hard to bear with people who stand still along the way, lose heart, and seek their happiness in little pleasures which they cling to... You feel sad about all that self-indulgence and self-satisfaction, for you know with an indestructible certainty that something greater is coming..."

How many of us would really leave our families, our jobs, our education, our friends, our connections, our familiar surroundings, and our homes if Jesus asked us to? If He just showed up and said, "Follow me"? No explanation. No directions.

You could follow Him straight up a hill to be crucified. Maybe He would lead you to another country, and you would never see your family again. Or perhaps you would stay put, but He would ask you to spend your time helping people who will never love you back and never show gratitude for what you gave up.

Consider this carefully-- have you ever done so? Or was your decision to follow Christ flippant, based solely on feelings and emotion, made without counting the cost?

What scares me the most are the people who are lukewarm and just don't care. I think that if I did a poll of the readers of this book, many of you would say, "Yeah, I am definitely lukewarm at times, but I'm not really at a place to give more to God." Many of us believe we have as much of God as we want right now, a reasonable portion of God among all the other things in our lives. Most of our thoughts are centered on the money we want to make, the school we want to attend, the body we aspire to have, the spouse we want to marry, the kind of person we want to become... But the fact is that nothing should concern us more than our relationship with God; it's about eternity, and nothing compares with that. God is not someone who can be tacked on to our lives.

Remember the visions of John and Isaiah of the throne room of God? Remember the pictures of the galaxies and how tiny we are in comparison? Remember the diversity of God, seen in thousands of species of trees in the rain forest? We say to the Creator of all this magnitude and majesty, "Well, I'm not sure You are worth it... You see, I really like my car, or my little sin habit, or my money, and I'm really not sure I want to give them up, even if it means I get you."

When we put it plainly like this-- as a direct choice between God and our stuff-- most of us hope we would choose God. But we need to realize that how we spend our time, what our money goes toward, and where we will invest our energy is equivalent to choosing God or rejecting Him. How could we think for even a second that something on this puny little earth compares to the Creator and Sustainer and Savior of it all?

We disgust God when we weigh and compare Him against the things of this world. It makes Him sick when we actually decide those things are better than God Himself. We believe we don't need anything Jesus offers, but we fail to realize that slowly, almost imperceptibly, we are drifting downstream. And in the process we are becoming blind, being stripped naked, and turning into impoverished wretches.

..... Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever He wants? Do you believe that wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?

If the answer is to those questions is yes, then let your bet match your talk.

True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity. "

~ Francis Chan, "Crazy Love" (pp 95-97)

this hit home for me.

we could be heros. forever and ever.

so ellie (the four year old i watch) and i were sitting down to lunch. our topic of conversation shifted from "who made the united states?" to "how does God make babies in mommy's tummys" to my personal favorite question of the day, "What will Keagan say when he puts a baby in his wife's tummy someday?" note that keagan is her nearly 2 year old brother.

hahaha. wow. gotta love little kids.

this week has been so busy. i'm absolutely exhausted. full days with 2 or 3 kids, and then busy nights with students and getting to know new Resident Director's (and spouses). i must say that i love hanging out with the new RD's. it's been so good. this is just a great staff this year and i love everyone's willingness to connect and hang out. i'm hoping to see The Time Traveler's Wife with a bunch of the girls tomorrow.

in other news, i feel like God's continuing to show me the meaning of having my identity in Him, along with layering on humility and patience. i def. feel humbled in just being a full time baby sitter with a college degree. i def. need to be patient as i trust that God will help reveal what direction i want to go in with my future and bring me to a job/career that i can feel passionate about. and i def. need to remember i am not defined by who i am with or what job/career/talent/passion i'm doing or fulfilling. i am defined first and foremost by Him, and He is enough. everything else will fall into place. it's just trusting, praying, waiting, and then pushing myself to going out and achieving what i am called to next.

right now, it's just this (babysitting/figuring out if i want to get my masters/or what career-job is for me)... and well, that's an okay place to be.

and so it begins...

although the summer heat is now in full swing here in indiana. i know deep down that summer is moving fast. which even though i adore fall, i hate to see summer go because i despise winter. however, i refuse to think about all of this now and instead just remind myself that summer lasts thru september anyway.

indiana wesleyan university hired 10 new RD positions this year, which considering that there are 15 positions all together is kinda crazy. debo and i were very excited about the prospect of more new RD's because when he was hired, there was only 1 other newbie, and most of the RD's were going on their 4th year or more. the new people hired are made up of individuals a lot closer in age to us, some married, some single, and some married w/ children. it has been really nice getting to know them this past week, and thru out this weekend. it's just refreshing to be able to build some new relationships with our peers who are experiencing (or are going to experience) the same positons we are in everyday. we are very excited for this upcoming year. we can't wait to have all our guys back in hodson hall, but we also just hope that along with our student relationships we can build some close friendships this year with a lot of these new RD's.

this year i'm also going to be taking on more kiddos. no schedule is really set yet, but it looks right now to be a mixture of my usual two (ellie 4, keagan 1 1/2), with a 2 1/2 year old boy named caleb, and a 18 month year old boy named dovev. on monday i'm going to have ellie, keagan, and caleb. i'm hoping that i will be able to handle 3 or more. i know i'm going to be even more exhausted at the end of the day, but the extra money will be very helpful to us. the only downside is the hours might be kinda weird when i'm watching ones of different parents. for instance i would usually start at 9 to watch ellie and keagan, but with caleb i have to start at 7, which means i might start at 7 and then work 8+ hrs because sitting times overlap. it should be interesting. the kiddos are all very cute though.

with the sitting i also need to be researching IWU grad program stuff, and start working on getting ready for that. you know applications, getting loans/grants, possibly the GRE. blah. you know those tedious things you have to do to go to school. i'm just hoping that i am making the right decision. i guess i'm just second guessing myself, but talking to different people i hear of so many different grad programs that i just really want to choose the one that is right for me. i want to make sure that counseling is indeed where i should be heading. we shall see. perhaps higher education is the field i'd rather pursue. *sigh* who knows. i just wish i was that super driven ambitious person who had big plans and the will to overcome all odds. i'm just so intimidated i think i just want to make the right choice before i dive in, and the problem then becomes "what is the right choice for me?" hm.

it's crazy training time right now for debo, and it's the start of Nanny time for me.

i hope this 1st semester can be a bright one.

i guess it couldn't be as daunting as last years!

i wish i could be watching this cutie too!

(this is izzy, brian and janelle jensen's little girl)

told my love to wreck it all, cut out all the ropes and let me fall.

"this is my excavation and today is kumran.
everything that happens is from now on.
this is pouring rain.
this is paralyzed." ~ bon iver "Re: Stacks"

it's strange to have alone time when you have gone without it for so long. debo is on a RD retreat until wednesday, and left early monday morning. i don't have sitting this week until thursday or at least friday, so i've had a lot of time on my hands all of a sudden. it's a strange thing when your used to being busy.

i've been distant from God for a while now. i've been distracted and just not really having any form of dialogue with Him. there's been some prayer, yes...but not a lot of me just talking to God. i opened my bible yesterday for the first time in months. the thing is i've felt the distance. i've felt isolated, scared, selfish, and insecure. these things have poured out from me into every aspect of my life.

it's awful how insecurities bring out this ugly side of you. a side that frustrates those who know you better, or turns away people who know you not at all. it brings down your friends and loved ones, and leaves you making decisions strictly for your own personal gain.

i guess it should never surprise me that just talking to God can calm the fear inside me.
and i'm not talking about just some empty pray of formality...but rather pouring out every fear i have to Him.

we fear being alone. we fear not being connected. we fear we have no control, esp of ourselves. it doesn't matter if we are married or single, rich or poor, surrounded by people or isolated in a cubicle. we long deeply for wholeness.

i don't always live it right. i don't always even want too.

but at the end of the day LORD, please let it always be You.